God of the night

In my 20s and 30s, I tried to be thankful and open to God. I often heard people say, "I'm so grateful for dark days and difficulties. I was scooting through life without thinking about God, but trials have made me aware of His provisions and his presence." I read about "the dark night of the soul" and wonderful saintly experiences of God-with-us during torture and martyrdom.

So I reasoned, "Why invite (or tempt) the coming trials? I want to know and appreciate God in good times so that I never wonder if the ugly days are punishment for my inattention when times were good." After all, I grew up in a holiness church where God rewarded your good behavior with good things and smacked your disobedience with pain worse than Job's.

Since our daughter became ill, we prayed our way through many nights. We sought God's face and depended on His strength for each day. We've found no medical solutions and God has not healed her. We've spent weeks at her bedside, wondering at the pain she endures and God's "heartlessness" at her suffering. I honestly don't feel very grateful during those times or when I see others suffer. I rejoice that God stays close and life is short.

Sometimes I've prayed, "This too is from your hands. You alone could help, yet you choose not to. Give us contentment and endurance in suffering."

I've pleaded, "Hope You know what You're doing. We're in the dark when You are supposed to be the God of Light. If there's 'no shadow of turning' in You, why do we feel like You've turned away?"

Or wept, "Enough already, don't You think?"

Watching reports of famines and floods, or sitting at a hospital bedside, I've even prayed, "Glad You haven't allowed it to be worse. Why don't You just kill us all now. Heaven will be relief from this misery."

The cry of a mother's heart (when I think our child can't bear another surgery or painful day or I can't absorb reports of others' traumas) isn't very rational. It's heartfelt though it may not sound very respectful to outsiders.

God hears us and understands human despair. Jesus prayed, "If it's possible, let this cup pass from me. Yet not my will but thine be done..." If the Son could hardly bear his cross, why would we think it's going to be easy for us?

Others go through "far worse" than we have. However, comparing pain is impossible. If you're in pain, you hurt regardless of what others feel.

I've always known God cares and will get us through the night. However, that doesn't make life easier though the process of loss and grief is simpler: I'm more resigned to human helplessness. I'm quicker to acknowledge, "Here we go again. You're still enough for the day. Whether we live or die, we live or die to You."

I may never look forward to pain as exhilarating closeness with God: "Thank you, God, for what I know about you now. You are more faithful, more wonderful, and greater than I knew." As I age, I seem to have more doubts about God's will to intervene rather than more faith in his desire to rescue His children. I'm more aware of the brokenness of the world and the stamina of humanity. While He is GREAT, He does not keep the storms from breaking down the house. Life seems more incomprehensible than ever.

Especially, I am amazed that people who never think about God in good times have the nerve to blame him for those awful days when you want to rip out your heart and throw it on the sidewalk to say, "Enough. I give up."

This I am sure of: during the bright days, let's celebrate the gifts of sunshine and beauty. I don't want to wait to seek God in times when we're at dead ends or become mired in tunnels of darkness.

Knowing God is Good and that we have received many blessings from His hands helps us to claim Job's confidence: "The Lord GIVES and he takes away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord." I'm grateful for so many things.

Especially, I'm glad our daughter is coming home for Christmas 2012 without a surgery planned. Though she suffers greatly in Seattle weather, we'll be together. We don't know what the future holds for her or us, but we know Who holds the future.

Read more:

*Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. Deuteronomy 7:9 NIV

*The word of the Lord is upright, and all his work is done in faithfulness. Psalm 33:4

*[Jesus said,] "At that time you won't need to ask me for anything. I tell you the truth, you will ask the Father directly, and he will grant your request because you use my name. You haven't done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy." John 16:23–24 NLT

*Jesus also did many other things. If they were all written down, I suppose the whole world could not contain the books that would be written. John 21:25 NLT

*By faith even Sarah herself received ability to conceive, even beyond the proper time of life, since she considered Him faithful who had promised. Hebrews 11:11 (NASB)

Moravian Prayer: Steadfast God, we strive to believe but pray for help in our unbelief! Move close to us on those days when we do not feel your presence. We claim your promise that you will be with us to the end. Strengthen our faith. Amen.

Below the surface - Before & After dog story

Spike. Before.

Ugly. Desperately ugly! That's what Spike looked like in his pet adoption photos.

I looked at the photos many times, thinking what direct and honest eyes this dog had. Could a haircut save him from perpetual "awfulness?" Could visual-me stand to have him around? I was in the throes of deep depression and thought walking outside would help. I was completely unmotivated by myself. Maybe a dog could get me moving. I started to browse Petfinder and SPCA websides.

Ugly and strange-looking.

Spike's second photo (right) nearly put me off. If the first shot looked questionable, the second was creepy. In the end, I capitulated to my gut feeling. W and I drove 100 miles to pick up 3-yr.-old Spikester from the animal shelter.

Turns out that he was black, not brown. The white patch looked smaller when his hair grew out. And since I clipped him once a month, he looked like a perpetual lab puppy. He never shed, loved all people, and was great with kids or adults.

After. What a difference a haircut makes!

Spike was so cute that people stopped us on the street, outside Starbucks, and in the park, asking how old our pup was.

Under Spike's calm exterior lurked a terrier, not a poodle as advertised. After two years of trying to adjust to his constant pacing (during my dissertation work), I had to rehome him. Friends who are mad walkers mercifully adopted him. He happily found his forever home!

Faithful Spike in his
car seat, ready to hit the road

Our family was sorry to see him go. Some days I still miss Spike, who "started it all" re: dog ownership at this stage of life.

I often think about how God cares for creatures and provides them good homes. Spike had a good life with us and found a great home with our friends. He helped get me out the door when I could hardly get out of bed in the mornings. I'd groan to myself, "Spike has to go outside. Let's for his walk!" and clip the leash on him, shrug on a raincoat, and stagger out the door. Spike was God's gift to me at the right time, as I was to him.

Ever had a special pet? Do you remember an animal fondly because it reminded you about God's faithfulness or lovingkindness? How did your care make a difference for one of God's creatures? I'd love to hear about it.

Read more:
*The earth is full of the steadfast love of the Lord. Psalm 33:5 

*Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you." Jeremiah 32:17 NIV

*You know the generous act of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that by his poverty you might become rich. 2 Corinthians 8:9 

Moravian Prayer: How unshakeable are your ways of love and truth, O God. The earth abounds with your goodness and grace. As beggars we come, as kings we depart; richly blessed and filled with all good things from your hand. Amen.

The optimist's viewfinder

The post by Chris Guillebeau startled me this morning in thinking about the opportunities of an optimist: click here to view. Summer's almost here, so I feel challenged to gratefulness and celebration again. Chris notes that not all of us can do everything but we can admire and appreciate those with gifts like and unlike our own. Who deserves our applause today?

A closer look at "ordinary"

I found these flowers this morning along our gravel driveway. In their natural setting they were unspectacular. In a vase, amazing. People are like that too, sometimes sparkling in unexpected style.

Sometimes the constraints we feel aren't real. Sometimes we act as though we're tethered when God has given us incredible freedom to act and be, empowered by his Spirit. I walk my dogs on a leash but I'm rarely holding the leash. It trails behind them. If they wanted to take off, they could ... but they think I'm in control so they follow on my heels. Good doggies! (Silly people.)

Tethered. Sort-of.

Almost 4 weeks in Israel's sunshine has snapped me back to reality and healthy optimism (after 6 months of NW winter depression = life feels full of possibilities on sunny days but dreary and worthless during endless rainy Seattle mornings.) It's not always enough to have an office window facing south, a "sun-like" HappyLite staring me in the eyes, three brooder hanging lamps overhead (like hatchery lights), and two bright lightbulbs on the ceiling. The sunlight and outdoor exercise on the Holy Lands tour provided a rebirth from winter-death. Those of you with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) understand.

Whatever our day brings, we will choose the viewfinder. Our actual life options may be wide open. They may be narrowly constricted by health, finances, and relationships. God who sees us through his lens of loving Truth––as we are, where we are––offers us the benefits of abundant living, regardless of our circumstances. That starts in the heart and mind.

Bronze mouse sculpture, wasp's nest, and moss

Let's take advantage of his mercy––regardless of others' perceptions of our opportunities or challenges––with a positive "yes" to his bounty and the beauty around us! What ordinary and extraordinary things are within your reach?

Read more:

*God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.” Exodus 3:14

*Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.

"For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” John 6:35-40 NIV

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give water as a gift from the spring of the water of life. Revelation 21:6 

Moravian Prayer: Lord, may we never question the infinite presence that is you, the great I Am. As we value you, may we also value all of your creation, remembering that all are worthy because all are from you. Amen.

Brain fog

A brain fog is the midlife condition of losing your mind. When I heard about this as a young woman, I shrugged off complaints by those who claimed they couldn't think clearly. It was as incomprehensible as the idea of not being able to read fine print. (Hurrah for Lasik gone wrong; one eye sees far, one close, so reading glasses are mostly optional.)

Next week, I have an academic exam, to determine whether or not I am doing the work or am cheating by having someone else research and write my dissertation. Well, I'm certainly doing the studying and it's my own body in the chair, leaning over the books, typing in the words. But my brain only offers partial feedback. Someone back in there is stealing what I'm trying to learn and dumping it carelessly into a trash bin. When I read back what I knew and learned, parts seem as mysteriously new to me as watching a movie (... for the third or fourth time, feels somehow familiar, but mostly unrecognizable.)

My mind needs undisturbed concentration for academics. Each interruption costs an hour or two, by the time I wrap my thoughts back into the information. Ongoing disruptions wipe the whole project into silliness. I'm editing recent material, but most of it is pure gibberish. I'm trying to figure out what I meant. Sure, I wrote a lot of words. They just don't make sense, between, "Where are my ski gloves, Mom?" or "What do you want for lunch?" (I used to shake my head at the nonsense I wrote into student notebooks. The next week at piano lessons, I'd marvel over scales and arpeggios that wandered off with ridiculous fingering, and assignments like, "play four times when she made me practice," etc. Yeah, it was weird. The kids learned to quit talking or playing while I wrote.)

I'm watching the snow flake past my office window. The trees sulk, grey-black under the weight of white water, branches slumped and silent. Our hill is steep and icy. The slippery layer under the puffy snow is treacherous enough to walk on, but the biggest risk is avoiding the skiing cars. No clearing the brain by walking the dogs today! I feel like a fir tree, drooping and dark as the storm whirls around.

I'm glad God knows more than we do. He never goes into a brain fog or loses track of his mission. And he is able to give his children the acuity and clarity we need to do his work. Today is a day for trust and best action. The Word as a flashlight on the path, rather than a torch. Again. Lord have mercy, as we fumble for direction!

Read more:

*The LORD looks down from heaven and sees the whole human race. From his throne he observes all who live on the earth. He made their hearts, so he understands everything they do. Psalm 33:13–15 NLT

*Psalm 12; Genesis 19:30-20:18; Matthew 7:13-23

*The Lord is our judge, the Lord is our ruler, the Lord is our king; he will save us. Isaiah 33:22

*I believe; help my unbelief! Mark 9:24

Moravian Prayer: O Savior, you are Lord over our doubts and our confidence, our questions and our convictions. You are with us when our faith trembles and when your light fills our souls. Thank you for your faithfulness. Amen.