Developing mature conversation

"Whatcha doin'?" he asked me. "Up to anything?" It was a passing conversation. We didn't know each other well.

"Doing fine. How about you?" I answered.

In contrast, a friend and I talked this morning about personal things and what's going on in our families and friendship circles. We ran out of time before "talking ministry" but we'll get there, maybe next visit. Our hour of interaction flew by. We have some catching up to do, though we read each others' blogs and stay in touch via FB or email.

How do you go from fluffy, inconsequential chit-chat to mature conversation that can "say anything" to a trusted friend?

1. Fill your life with wisdom, reading scripture and hearing God's instruction. Hang out with wise mentors and reliable characters.
2. Start light and exercise discernment. Don't spill your guts to every passerby or "cast pearls before swine." Other people won't take you seriously or trust you if your words are indiscreet.
3. Listen to others' conversations. How do people you respect speak? What do they say? What would they never say? Imitate the wise and respected.
4. Build on friendships and collegiality: which ones have proved trustworthy and have begun to share their lives with you?
5. Pray about who can be trusted and watch how people handle their friends' confidences and secrets. 
6. Tell something safe but private. Ask the person to keep it between you. If it comes back "around the gossip bench," ask your confidant if they shared with others. If so, don't share again, especially if there is no remorse or if the exposure was a deliberate "slip of the tongue." They can't be trusted.
7. Keep other people's secrets to yourself. Gossip is saying something about a person that you wouldn't say if they were standing next to you. Sure, go ahead, brag on others' "job well done." Boost them in conversation with others. But unless it's immoral or illegal (or dangerous to the situation), guard others' weaknesses and failures.

Jesus told his closest friends many secrets about God and himself. But he kept himself apart from those who weren't trustworthy. He was friendly but not exposed to everyone. Maturity comes from following his example.

Read more:

*In the path of your judgments, O Lord, we wait for you. Isaiah 26:8

*When we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world. 1 Corinthians 11:32

*Yet when I am among mature believers, I do speak with words of wisdom, but not the kind of wisdom that belongs to this world or to the rulers of this world, who are soon forgotten.

No, the wisdom we speak of is the mystery of God—his plan that was previously hidden, even though he made it for our ultimate glory before the world began. But the rulers of this world have not understood it; if they had, they would not have crucified our glorious Lord. That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.”

But it was to us that God revealed these things by his Spirit. For his Spirit searches out everything and shows us God’s deep secrets. 1 Corinthians 2:6-10 NLT
Moravian Prayer: When you see fit to judge us, God, help us to remember your love and grace. Call to our minds the redemptive purposes of your discipline and the promise of eternal life. Thank you for training us so we shall forever be your children. Amen.

The hard conversations

Have you ever had to confront the past in order to move forward? It can be scary.

I had two difficult conversations this week. Both brought up memories of failure and uncompleted tasks. However, I laid to rest my obligations to be honest about the past with leaders. Thankfully, now it's time to move on.

When we fail, watch a collapse or dissolution despite our hard efforts, get fired from a job, or are prevented from fully using our gifts at work or church, we feel frustrated. Afraid. We may be hurt or disappointed. Grief may overwhelm us when we touch the wounded place.

But slapping a bandage on instead of doing a biopsy may allow the cancer to embitter us against future effectiveness.

Each experience of success or defeat can be a lesson. Wiping the brow and walking away with, "Oh well, glad that's over. Let's move on," doesn't help us. Without a careful examination of the failure, we are no wiser. We remain vulnerable to similar mistakes and blind to our own gifts and weaknesses.

Some of us make assumptions about our strengths. We're not as good at some things as we thought, and a wipe-out shows us that a different ministry or job would be a better fit. Or we're too aggressive in a gifting, overwhelming others and defeating teamwork. We ignore the choppy waves in our wake or blame others.

Some of us make assumptions about our weaknesses. We assume responsibility for failure when someone else may have blocked us from using our gifts. We fear that we are not enough to fulfill God's purposes.

And we're too afraid to ask others to confront us and hold us accountable for failures and successes.

Hey, here's good news. God likes you. He likes me. He actually made us as we are so that we can carry out his own plans. When we fall flat, we must ask others to help us scrutinize what happened. People of integrity are not ashamed to tell the truth about my part in failure ... or yours. I love friends who will honestly point our weaknesses as well as praise and nurture strengths.

Once we know about where we've come from, we can jump into the future with confidence and the release of the past. God's forgiveness and the accumulation of wisdom makes it possible.

What hard conversations do you have to have with yourself and others before you are released into full bloom in the future?

Read more:

*Can mortals be righteous before God? Can human beings be pure before
their Maker? Job 4:17

*The teaching of your word gives light, so even the simple can understand." Psalm 119:130

*The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The LORD watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. Let every creature praise his holy name for ever and ever. Psalm 145:17-21 NIV

*Jesus Christ gave himself for us that he might redeem us from all iniquity and purify for himself a people of his own who are zealous for good deeds. Titus 2:14

Moravian Prayer: Gracious Savior, refresh and purify our hearts and minds to lead us to service in your name. Remind us gently that humility, not hubris is the path to serving you. In Jesus' name, Amen.