Another day, another nail-biter

Word upon word, this dissertation is coming together. I sit down to write late last night, with the day still swirling around in my head.


Last Sunday, our house rings with laughter and company (20 for lunch). W and I do marriage counseling with a young couple in the evening. When we're done, my "day off" is over. We're ready for a good night's sleep. Except that I wake full of buzz and viniger at 3am. Between trying to lie still for 3 hours but "I don't feel tired," the shower running in the bathroom next door, and W getting ready for his trip, I fall back asleep at 7:15. The alarm (Bible read aloud) goes off at 7:45 so I enjoy 15 minutes of meditation, listening.

W chose to go to a conference this week, so my mom ("Grandma" to the kids) is here helping with Kirsten. She warned us, that at 76, she'll be resting rather than cleaning. "Fine, Mom," we said. "Good for you, Grandma." (Doubtfully.) That's great. If Mom's relaxing, I won't have to answer questions about what's where, so I can focus on studies. I don't have time to visit, that's for sure. I'm beyond past crunch time on this hideous dissertation. Time is running out.

Mom and I start the day with a walk. "I hate this hill," she said. I agree. I'd never take myself for a walk if I didn't have dogs. We live two blocks from the almost-top-of-the-mtn. ... after you climb our steep driveway to the street. Once you're at the top, it's easy, rolling swells. "What shall we have for supper tonight?" Mom asks. I snag some chicken from the freezer and start it thawing.

While I get in the tub with papers to edit, Mom "rests." Sort of. Not really. She takes everything out of the fridge and cleans it top to bottom. After noon, I hear a knock knock on the door... "Want to have lunch with us?"

Sure. I dress, things are not quite ready ("Wow, that was quick," says Mom when I come into the kitchen.) 15 minutes later, I eat with Kirsten and Mom. When I splash back down in the tub, adding hot water to make it bearable, an hour's gone.  I zone in until 4pm to get through the paper. I begin editing at the keyboard, inserting changes.

"Need some help?" I ask about 4:30. I'm feeling guilty about not helping Mom cook. But she has everything under control. Carrots are cut and soaking, spaetzle dough is whipped up, the chicken is breaded.

Meanwhile, Jonathan and two friends are baking chocolate chip p-b cookies. "I'm waiting for them to leave the kitchen," Mom said. "But everything's ready." We stand around, they decide to stay for supper, and I get back to my work for 10 minutes.

Ding-dong! it's the front door, with a couple and their babe in arms. The dogs yell and run for the door, beserk at the new arrivals. Their barking wakes the baby. "Darn," says the mother. "I was hoping she'd sleep."

After 6, we eight sit down to a wonderful German meal. "I'm not cleaning up, you guys!" Grandma announces. But she gets up and calls the boys to help clear the table. I stay in the kitchen for cleanup afterwards, trying to shoo Mom away. One of Jono's friends washes the last dishes. By the time Mom and I empty the dishwasher and get everything back to normal, it's after 8pm. Another day. Gone. Oh well, study time? That's what evenings are for.

Hey, what's this? The footnotes have strange double quotes and there are formatting conflicts between journal and magazine styles... oh my. 700+ footnotes to look through? I send a quick "HELP!" to the editor, who says, "I can fix it in a hurry; send it my way!" Gratefully, I shove it off my desk onto hers. After 10pm, my brain, eyes, and fingers disconnect so I give up.

My fingers feel taut when I get to bed. What?! I bit all my nails off while editing. Ugh. Good thing they grow quickly. I need to get to work. to work. to work. Lord have mercy.

Read more:

*One day Moses said to the LORD, 'You have been telling me, "Take these people up to the Promised Land." But you haven't told me whom you will send with me. You have told me, "I know you by name, and I look favorably on you." If it is true that you look favorably on me, let me know your ways so I may understand you more fully and continue to enjoy your favor. And remember that this nation is your very own people.'

The LORD replied, 'I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest—everything will be fine for you.' Exodus 33:12–14 NLT

*Psalm 7:10-17; Genesis 10:1-11:9; Matthew 5:1-16

*Rend your hearts and not your clothing. Return to the Lord, your God. Joel 2:13

*Jesus said, "The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God has come near; repent, and believe in the good news." Mark 1:15

Moravian Prayer: Forgive us, our Redeemer, when we take on a show of piety but not a heart of piety. Create in us a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within us. Restore to us the joy of salvation. Amen.

31 days of Learning #9-10

I'm in Springfield, MO, finally making good progress on my dissertation. For over a year, I've been gathering information on the women who made up the first generation of Pentecostal missionaries. At times I've been excited, bored, and downright discouraged.

I've never thought of quitting, but I have wondered how long this will take to complete. What I know (#9) from months of sitting is that the seat is less tolerant than the brain. When your bottom freezes onto the chair, it's time to let the mind drift to other things. Like a break or lunch!

#10 of 31 is that people have different tolerances of closeness when studying. The guy who plopped himself and his books right next to me in a big room with the excuse of "I hate to sit with my back to the door," obviously has less personal space needs than I do. We've worked edge to edge from 9-9pm today, and I'm hoping he finds another place to work tomorrow. If not, I may have to spread out my books elsewhere. Groan. I'm in the library room with a historical collection I need to reference several times a day.

It's been fun to pull together the long weeks and months of work. I'm editing, sorting, rearranging... and finding I have lots of material gathered. Hopefully in three weeks, the first draft of my dissertation tutorials will be nearly done. God be thanked for hope!

Living in real time

Today I'm deciding if I graduate in April of 2012 or 2013.

Actually, I'm setting in place the pieces that would help me decide, so I'm not engulfed by details one way or the other In October when graduation requests are due. Emily's blog has given me reassurance for riding the surge of normalcy I have been feeling. "Go for it, with freedom that comes from seeking God," she calls to us all.

In the thick of last winter and spring, depressed, overwhelmed, sick from grey skies, drizzle, and cool dampness, I couldn't focus on studies. When I looked at research, I swam through a fog where none of it made sense or stuck in my head, flailing in a churning tide where ideas refused to fall into written data. The resistance was so great, both inside and outside, that I put off the decision about graduation. It was a great relief to say, "Maybe, we'll see," rather than, "I plan to be done in 2012."

It's time to plan as though the future is more open than I thought last winter. I have to harness the good and energy for the year ahead during these days of physical light, when summer's given us a warm week of sunshine, when my body feels alert and coming back to life, when possibility again seems possible...

Yeah, I have SADs, like my grandma did. She told us every February that this was her last year, that she was sure to be dying soon... every February for over 20 years. This winter, I'm putting the SADs light on a 6 hour timer from October through June. My body has to pretend it's nice out, though my mind knows Seattle will close in like every year with its dark cold.

At the end of summer, my office feels like a safe lively place to work, rather than like an obligation to sit myself down for another day of failure. In the logic of yesterday's sunshine, I can think about where to stay when I do research in Missouri, which advisers to meet in October, and which books to re-read while my head is clear.

We only have the choice to live today. This hour. This minute. I'm not thinking of time as a clock, though the West couches time as a pace through the the hours.

I'm thinking of time and timelessness, the flow of eternity, into our lifetimes, and beyond again. There's no crisis about encountering a segment of time. Eventually, God's timelessness embraces us after death. Real time means walking life through with prayerful best intentions, good information, and one foot in front of the other in the world and our interior life. The minute or hour may include intense concentration, relaxed solitude, scheduling the future, or planning a project.

But this time, this real time, is all God gives us. Now. One minute, one hour, one day... after another until our days are done.

I don't know what challenges face you today. Your issues - joyful or dreaded - may be with health, finances, relationships, or other things.

Today I know that whether or not 2012 turns out to be my year for graduation or slogging through more pages, God is faithful. I'm still alive, the sun has shone in Seattle for a whole week of warm weather, and the future rests firmly in his hands. Let's commit everything to him, to see what he will be for us, and what He will do in and around us.

Thanks be to God.

Read more:

*But Moses pleaded with the LORD, "O Lord, I'm not very good with words. I never have been, and I'm not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled."

Then the LORD asked Moses, "Who makes a person's mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the LORD?Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say."

But Moses again pleaded, "Lord, please! Send anyone else."

Then the LORD became angry with Moses. "All right," he said. "What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he speaks well. And look! He is on his way to meet you now. He will be delighted to see you. Talk to him, and put the words in his mouth. I will be with both of you as you speak, and I will instruct you both in what to do. Aaron will be your spokesman to the people. He will be your mouthpiece, and you will stand in the place of God for him, telling him what to say. And take your shepherd's staff with you, and use it to perform the miraculous signs I have shown you."

Before Moses left Midian, the Lord said to him, "Return to Egypt, for all those who wanted to kill you have died." So Moses took his wife and sons, put them on a donkey, and headed back to the land of Egypt. In his hand he carried the staff of God.

And the LORD told Moses, "When you arrive back in Egypt, go to Pharaoh and perform all the miracles I have empowered you to do. But I will harden his heart so he will refuse to let the people go." Exodus 4:10–21 NLT

*Now the Lord had said to Aaron, "Go out into the wilderness to meet Moses." So Aaron went and met Moses at the mountain of God, and he embraced him. Moses then told Aaron everything the Lord had commanded him to say. And he told him about the miraculous signs the Lord had commanded him to perform." Exodus 4:27–28 NLT

*Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:29-32 NIV