Day 3: "Spend yourself"

It's Waldemar's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HON. I make his card since I never get away alone. We've done our usual stroll through the drugstore the day before. I show him cards I would get him if he wanted to pay for them. He likes a few, and we're happy.

The morning sessions start at 9am.  By then it feels to us like half the day is gone. We're early risers. The sun's hot and the sprinklers on every lawn boost the humidity.

On campus, I run into a few fellows I know from seminary. Though I don't know many of our peers, I've met many of the leaders during studies. It's fun to see them outside the classroom.

We'll be divided by world regions for the rest of the week. The motto for our Asia Pacific group is, "Spend yourself!" Today we meet our area leaders and coworkers. Each area director gives us an overview of their area and who lives there. It's obvious that they love the people they work with. There's a lot of wise-cracking and laughter.

W and I make a lunchtime birthday dash for 1/2 of 1/2 Brand Names. I've purchased most of my clothes there since attending seminary. The chain of stores resells returns and sale-ends from Nordstrom and other major retailers. In the past, I've found my Italian boots ($10), a mother-of-the-groom dress ($40), and a Furla handbag ($10). Today I find PJs for $9 and Ralph Lauren sandals for $16. W finds a white Columbia travel shirt for $12.

We rush back after lunch to hear insights on handling stress and culture shock, and how to keep ourselves on track spiritually. The presenters are career missionaries who know firsthand how devastating and shocking it is to move far from home and become part of another people group.

As they run down the list of stressors, I can identify with each one. These are the reasons I've not yet felt the stir of "the great adventure." We learned about these during my PhD studies and I listened to members of my cohort talk about them. I'm not looking forward to experiencing them myself:

• cultural adjustments in language, how needs are met, adapting to expectations, food, and lifestyles
• human stressors, including leaving family behind and working with others
• organizational adjustments, including job satisfaction, policies, differing leadership styles, and filling out reports
• physical challenges of a new climate, illness, aging, and weariness
• psychological stressors of depression, a sense of failure, boredom, or mid-life changes
• support - raising funds, housing, retirement planning, and having to do many tasks that were handled by others at home
• spiritual stressors

One team leader talks about the importance of loving God with all our hearts (Lk. 10:27), of guarding our hearts (Prov. 4:23), and deflecting the arrows that seek to destroy the heart (Ps. 91:1-5). We are encouraged to have a strong devotional life as the foundation for service to others. We're also told that we'll need friends to talk privately with because we'll be in full view.

"People will watch you over time. ... You're building your own reputation - good or bad."

W and I have supper with Paul and Sandy. Paul was in my cohort and is working on his dissertation. He administrates a big area, so he's had to put off the work time and again. I assure him there IS life after a doctorate. (But I remember what hard work it was, and what discipline and perseverance it took to finish the thing!) Paul's in the process. He and W hit it off and I love his wife Sandy, whom I've heard a lot about, but never met before today.

W and I scoot back to the campus for two hours of 3-minute presentations. Each unit (single or couple) has three minutes to tell the audience where they are going and why. One after another, we go on stage to present our dreams for the future.

W reads the script we worked on last night. At some point, I'll have to start speaking. Tonight, W does a good job while I stand beside him.

We're home by 9, in time to catch up on our writing before we get to sleep. These days are long but interesting. Tomorrow, breakfast, lunch, and supper are booked with friends and colleagues. I look forward to it. And a good night's rest.

Read more:

*Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant. If they watch every cloud, they never harvest. Ecclesiastes 11:4 NLT

*Praise the Lord! I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart, in the company of the upright, in the congregation. Psalm 111:1 NLT

*Teach and admonish one another in all wisdom; and with gratitude in your hearts sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God. Colossians 3:16 NLT

Moravian Prayer: Almighty Savior, you bless us with your infinite love. May we always sing your praises with our voices, minds, and hearts. Amen.

Making resolutions?

T'is the last day of 2012. Time to look back through the journal to see what progress or what weaknesses lie exposed. Do you review the year as I do?

I started the year exhausted, working 10-14 hours, 6 days a week, on my dissertation. Once that was done, I partied. I've never celebrated as joyfully as this year - the dragon was slain, the un-doable done.

Then I rested. My journal shows a lack of momentum for months afterwards. I was so mentally drained that it was hard to focus. So I did very little. I puttered. I played piano. I painted a bit. I read a lot of nonsense and light fiction. I watched Korean dramas and followed Spy and Arrow on Hulu+

In November things started to heat up again. "Take up your bed and walk already!" was the message I heard during devotions. I started Monvee (from "mon vie," a spiritual discipleship program hosted by our church) and began to read enriching books. Someone added me as their accountability partner and a friend coached me through some sessions of a "Get Unstuck Bootcamp." (Click here for the website.) I added some exercise classes.

And suddenly I was in motion again. Thank God!

My 2013 resolutions are intended to foster spiritual life, better physical health, strong relationships, and mental vigor. Real Simple says we need 4 tips to keep our resolutions (click here for the full article):
1. be specific
2. make goals public
3. substitute "good" behaviors for "bad"
4. keep track

I don't have any earthshaking goals. It seems that keeping the ones I always choose is hard work enough:

• read more scripture
• pray and wait in expectation
• be more grateful
• read and write
• do art
• be hospitable
• and work hard at whatever is at hand

What is your most desired resolution for 2013? Why?

Read more:
*Some wandered in the wilderness lost and homeless. Hungry and thirsty, they nearly died. 'LORD, help!' they cried in their trouble, and he rescued them from their distress. He led them straight to safety, to a city where they could live.

Let them praise the LORD for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them. For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things" Psalm 107:4–9

*My eyes fail with watching for your promise; I ask, “When will you comfort me?” Psalm 119:82

*Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. Proverbs 3:27

*Be doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves. James 1:22  

*May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and through grace gave us eternal comfort and good hope, comfort your hearts. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

Moravian Prayer: God of endings and beginnings, may we bring glory tonight as we close this year and begin another. May our faith in your promise remain strong as you breathe your spirit upon us.

Gracious and giving Savior, forgive us when we withhold our power. Forgive us when we act on the behalf of a brother or a sister. Let us be fed by worship this day and go out to be your hands and feet. Amen.

Lent Day 31: Thankful for healing oil

I'm fending off the flu on a rainy day with one of Dad's magic remedies: oil of oregano. It's been over a year since I've been sick. The blog this morning is a ramble. Just a warning.

My body began to wilt yesterday at the birthday table (@Szechwan Chef in Bellevue.) We ate rice and peppered fish and my energy revived until nightfall. (The menu item, Szechuan boiled fish, sounded awful when the server recommended it on our first visit. Though we and our kids are not big seafood eaters, we risked it. It was fantastic and we've had it there ever since.)

I don't know if the oil and medicinal teas will help but I need my full day for editing. I can't wait to clear off my desks. I have a 3X5' table with 6 stacks of books (by category) plus an L-shaped desk where my computer and pages wait for edits. My file cabinet and paper file are full. At some point, when the writing is done, I get to purge and restore order. Ahhh. T'will be a happy day.

I'm optimistic about a tidy office. However, let's get real: though I'm drawn to the clean idea of minimalism, I won't ever be a minimalist. I have only a few medicines: oil of oregano, tea tree oil, baking soda for toothpaste, and Vicks Vapo-rub. Old standards. I stock up on a few cleaning supplies, the multi-purpose basics. (W stashes specialty items; I'd ask him if I needed them.)

The things I use often are obvious: our tea cupboard is filled with leaves in dozens of glass jars for liquid restoratives. Two cabinets of spices wait beside the stove, sealed containers ready to share smells before their tastes unfurl in food.

And it's the season to rejuvenate our living room. W oiled the dry wood tables this week and they look refreshed. Yesterday, I treated myself to two wonderful blankets from Pier 1 Imports. When I flung them over the sofas, the colors were perfect. I bought them because I liked them; the color-match is a bonus.

One has a muted front: the lime in the store becomes golden green in the gloomy lighting of the morning. But the cheerful fringe shouts to guests arriving at the front door. The pom-pom corners make me smile though I expect them to last until only Kinsey gives them a tug.

The other blanket has bright felted floral and bird appliqued on a creamy white to compliment the pillows. (You never know until you try. It's nearly always worth the risk, isn't it?)

The tired old cushions on the DR chairs have been consigned to the wash, replaced by bright beaded ones (@$2.38, reg. $24 each). Nope, those don't really match either. There are 5 of one, 3 of the other. Somehow it looks wonderful in place. [photos below: before and 2 afters. no surprise which is which.]

Life brings unexpected harmony, too. We start with ideas of how we will match this activity to that time and place. Then surprises derail our plans. Sickness or financial constraints limit our energy.

It's good to stay open to possibilities.

Somehow the details always work out. We look back to say, "God is good and I'm still here."

I'm trusting that the day will bring good work and solid progress. Steady efforts and small steps along with the oregano oil, I tell myself. I might have to pick up the pace since my dissertation revisions are due this weekend.

I'm looking ahead, beyond the obligations. The living room is waiting for me to snuggle up with a book among the restful "it's-almost-spring" tones.

Read more:

*Inquire first for the word of the Lord. 2 Chronicles 18:4

*Jesus also said, "The Kingdom of God is like a farmer who scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, while he's asleep or awake, the seed sprouts and grows, but he does not understand how it happens. The earth produces the crops on its own. First a leaf blade pushes through, then the heads of wheat are formed, and finally the grain ripens. And as soon as the grain is ready, the farmer comes and harvests it with a sickle, for the harvest time has come." Mark 4:26–29

*Continue in what you have learned and firmly believed. 2 Timothy 3:14

Moravian Prayer: Guide us, dear Lord, in our efforts to discern your will for our lives. As we turn to the scriptures, your guide for our faith and life, may we use all the resources at our disposal to understand and interpret their meaning for us. Keep us from shallow faith and unquestioning obedience and instead, help us to use our questions and doubts to be able to grow
in our commitment to you. Amen.

Lent Day 24: Thankful for chocolate

I doubt that Jesus needed chocolate like I do. Aren't we blessed to live at a time and place where the world's delicacies and foods come to us? Chocolate informs me that all is well in my surroundings: the beauty of the complex tastes roll around my mouth. If I'm eating chocolate, I'm near a home stash (a happy place), I have found a moment for meditation (chocolate is, after all, best enjoyed in a pause), and it's not yet night (caffeine keeps me awake).

I'm grateful for many many blessings, and chocolate, though a small one, reminds me how good life is.

I defended my dissertation to my committee today and received excellent suggestions on "making it better." The seminary computer system went down this morning so we had all kinds of complications in getting started. I called them when the scheduled time for defense came and no one had contacted me. (We're having trouble, so shall we use the phone - no, we're back online, use Skype - but how? I log in - oh, it's taking too long as I get a new password - log in, figure it out - let's use WebX - yay, I can do that easier.) And finally we are connected and we begin. My heart pounds with the anxiety that only a struggle with technology can produce.

There's a 4-5 second delay during the whole defense. As the profs speak, their mouths and bodies move 4-5 seconds before I hear them speak and sometimes they have to repeart what they have said or asked. I miss their conversation to each other. Worst of all, as I'm speaking, the feedback of my previous words overlap from the committee room. It's very disconcerting and makes it hard for a "one-sense-at-a-time" person like myself to think. (I typically don't hear the music background while watching a movie; I can't write a music score if someone's talking or playing; if a piano is off by a semi-tone or more I have to disconnect my hand shapes from what I'm hearing ... )

When I'm done, I wonder what on earth I told the committee while I was listening to what I had said. Because of the echo, I couldn't use my speakerphone and record it. Holding the phone, I couldn't flip through the dissertation to find items, either. Oh bother. I know what I knew.

I call my husband, who consoles me and asks if he can take me for a wonderful supper. Well, yes! We decide if the feedback from committee is good, we'll splurge at our "Special Celebration" restaurant. If not, I'll have him bring home chow mien from the Safeway deli. (Yikes, you know which one I prefer. We go out; the dissertation is accepted with revisions.)

I hang up the phone, break an edge from a chocolate loaf cake, and indulge. I don't want the whole slice; all I need is a little taste. The dark sweetness comforts me, my blood pressure lowers, and I thank God for the encompassing prayers of friends, the pleasures of learning, and all the blessings of living in this day and age.

Read more:

*O God, you are my God, I seek you, my soul thirsts for you. Psalm 63:1

*Christ says, "Strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

* Jesus said: "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” John 14:1-4   NIV

Moravian Prayer: Most holy Lord and God, to you we give all honor and praise. Help us
always to seek first your kingdom and its righteousness as instructed by
our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen. 

Lent Day 23: Thankful for pauses

Jesus took time to catch his breath. In his steady focus on doing his Father's work, he moved through countryside and towns. We read that he ate, drank, exercised (lots of walking!), had conversations, and times of prayer just like everyone else.

"Aren't there 12 hours in a day?" he asked a group of followers. That makes me shake my head at the imbalance we perpetuate, trying to do 16-18 hours of work before crashing into bed. No one rewards us for killing ourselves and it sets a bad example, as though God demands a killing pace and unending drugery. If Jesus could bring salvation to humanity in a 12-hour day, what makes us think we need more time?

I love Jesus' prayer pauses, the times for worship, and the simplicity of his meetings with others.

Music and speech need pauses to make sense. Life is no different. Having done all God asks, why can't we rest in his provisions?

In less than 24 hours, I defend my dissertation. I'm thinking of all that is undone and what I'd like to re-memorize. Soon I'll be listening to and speaking with my committee. God is able to bless this day and tomorrow and I'd appreciate your prayers.

Let's also pray that the beautiful pauses in Christ's life would be part of our daily rhythms. Let's invite short times of reflection as well as hours set aside for study and prayer. God is good and will help us find the balance that restores and renews.

Read more:
*I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.

Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. Psalm 143:5-10 NIV

Lent Day 11: Vorwärts! Los!

We have a date! On March 20 I defend my dissertation, which continues to be a work in progress after being sent off to committee. Based on feedback, I'm clarifying the dissertation's objectives and reinforcing primary literature.

The past two weeks, my brain has remained in limbo. I tried to continue intense study after I handed in the dissertation. But without a time frame, my mind and body refused to cooperate or engage. I'm deadline and task oriented so the simple email with a calendar appointment from my adviser has injected me with adrenaline and the will to live.

Meanwhile, my fellow pastor and friend Kim has been writing on leadership and church ministry. Her encouragement to see God's work as process rather than a hierarchy or establishment helps me keep this walk of studies in perspective. Whatever God is doing in this doctoral journey is part of God's preparation for what lies ahead, in the greater picture of the church.

Beginning with a provocative post about Power and church, Kim's been examining the role of those who remove obstacles and train members of Christ's body to minister in the world. I highly recommend her blog Deep Imprints.

God's Word confirms that each person is vital to his plans. The overarching goal is becoming Christlike in being and doing. You are part of that--and so am I.

How is your day or your week shaping up, in light of that?

Read more:
*But Moses said to God, "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" God said, "I will be with you." Exodus 3:11-12

*Four men arrived carrying a paralyzed man on a mat. They couldn't bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, so they dug a hole through the roof above his head. Then they lowered the man on his mat, right down in front of Jesus. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralyzed man, "My child, your sins are forgiven."

But some of the teachers of religious law who were sitting there thought to themselves, "What is he saying? This is blasphemy! Only God can forgive sins!" Mark 2:3–7

*It is not those who commend themselves that are approved, but those whom the Lord commends. 2 Corinthians 10:18

Moravian prayer: As we recall in a common Advent hymn: "Not in our own strength, Lord, we move; your kingdom falls not when we fall, but forward presses day by day until your truth is known to all." Dear Lord, remind us always that it is only by your grace that we have been justified. Amen.

Resurrection days

"Life from 30,000-Year-Old Seeds!" Wow - I read via the BBC that scientists have coaxed plants from seeds buried by squirrels. Very old squirrels, apparently. Chinese scientists also found a 300,000-year-old swamp formed "in a few days," beautifully preserved by catastrophe. I always wonder who verifies the dating process. Does someone get into a secret time machine and zip back to check the calendar? Scientists rarely follow their own rule that the simplest explanation is the place to start. Um, the Flood, anyone?

Like the seeds and the petrified swamp, many of us have dormant seasons. I feel like I'm looking ahead to life again. I submitted my dissertation yesterday. The committee will read it and I still have to defend it before it goes to the copy editor and bookbinder. This morning, after waking in a sweat to wonder if I should have read it ONE MORE TIME!, I decide not to look at it until later in the week.

I'm going grocery shopping instead. That may not seem like much of an outing to those who regularly visit Safeway or QFC. (I've been at a regular grocer 2-3X since last summer.) W and I typically visit Costco, Trader Joes, and Grocery Outlet twice or thrice a month. Our pantry is bursting but my eclectic shopping list has been growing for a month. We're low on rolled grains for Mueli, cornstarch, Asian-style corn oil, and silver polish. (The polish has lasted 24 years, purchased at JAFCO in Bellevue the year after we moved to Seattle.)

I'll send off the last tutorial this morning before I head out the door. (I may have to learn to drive the car again: W's been chauffeuring us to church and out to eat out at least once a week.) It will be nice to visit with our daughter, who's been here since early December but travels back home on Tuesday. My house needs more than the once-over that's been its weekly fate. The fresh and saltwater aquariums need an algae clearing. And - if the rain stops - the dogs could use a good walk.

Many of us currently live in stormy winters, dormant or tossed about by circumstances. Some of us can feel warmth ahead, a growing season with longer days and new sprouts shooting up where the earth has been bare and cold. Others enjoy a personal summer, fully blooming with fruit maturing and feeding those around us.

Before I do anything else, I pause to thank God for endings and beginnnings. We're glad our daughter's foot is healing from surgery. We're thankful for ongoing health and strength for W and me. We're grateful for baby Kinsey, who continues to delight with normal development. I'm awed by God's provision in 1001 other ways.

Please join us in praying urgently today for Donny Neary. A high school student, he's suffered loss of central vision in both eyes over the past two weeks and had stroke-like symptoms yesterday. He's in San Diego, where an eye specialist was to see him today. Instead, he's under observation at Children's Hospital because of the other symptoms. Please pray that God intervenes for him and his folks (Dan and Laurie). When children suffer, parents' lives also become turbulent; they need the sustaining prayers of others.

Meanwhile, our daughter's body has flared with severe rheumatoid arthritis symptoms as the rain and winds blow across Seattle. How we would love for God to heal her! She's suffered for 15 years; we'd all be grateful for her complete remission.

Let's look around today to see where God is at work in his Family and in the world. Is he directing us to be his helping hand? A praying partner? An encourager and cheerleader? The one who cooks meals or cleans the house for needy sisters or brothers? The provider of rent or giver to missions? To visit someone in the hospital or a shut-in at home? (cartoon: http://cakeordeathcartoon.wordpress.com)

Let's be like those old seeds, reviving and thriving in surprising and perhaps unexpected environments. God, let us feel your touch today. Water us with the Word, warm us with your presence and interactions with Family, and guard the tender new growth as our prayers rise to you.

Read more:

*I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes.

Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings from the wicked who assail me, from my mortal enemies who surround me. Psalm 17:6-9 NIV

*Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. Isaiah 40:28

*God has not left himself without a witness in doing good - giving you rains from heaven and fruitful seasons, and filling you with food and your hearts with joy. Acts 14:17

Moravian Prayer: Creator God, you will not faint or grow weary of your people. Your love is endless and your provisions are bountiful. We joyfully give you thanks and praise for your goodness towards your whole creation. Amen. 

Puff puff, she thinks she can she thinks she can

Mmm. Who knew pistachios, almonds, and chocolate chips tasted so good together? I'm taking a tea and snack break from editing the dissertation.

What great help I got this weekend! Several friends and expert writers sent back their comments on the intro, which was limping along. Others helped clarify the chapters.

One gentle soul worried that I would be offended at her note, of "What the heck is this?" (She put it much more politely.) No worries. I am SO ready to finish this project; every willing eye and knowledgeable critic gets kudos rather than kicks from me.

God reminded me today how important the various gifts are, in his Body. I've been grinding through this dissertation since the chapters started to form in October. Being so close to the research, I need outside readers to point out my mistakes, unclear meanings, and obscure wording.

It feels like the end is within reach, though I have three more editors to please between this week and "The End" of it all = my advisor, my formatting editor, and my copy editor. I'm not sure I can meet my deadline to send the dissertation for formatting on Friday, but it won't be because I didn't try.

I've always heard that spouses are just as happy as the graduate. It was true for me when W finished at Gloucester. I suspect "relief" will express only a teeny part of his emotions, since both of us are really really really ready to be done. (I know; in scholarly writing you rarely use really.)

The question people continue to ask is, "What will you do after you're finished?" After five years of study, God has given me a small inkling about what this is for. But it's not set in stone. I've learned perseverance. To organize my writing. To find out what I dislike. And that I love writing.

Hmmm. What will I be doing after it's handed in and defended? I expect that will become clear in time. (Maybe God will give me the summer off. Maybe I'll be doing crazy prep for something else.) Meanwhile, Waldemar's helping me sort edits and post-grad options. Thanks, hon.

Ok, break's over. That means it's time to banish myself to the tub to do another read-through.

Read more:

*Watchword for the Week - Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure. Psalm 147:5

*To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Psalm 25:1-5 NIV 

*On that day the root of Jesse shall stand as a signal to the peoples; the nations shall inquire of him. Isaiah 11:10

*Paul wrote: If you, a wild olive shoot, were grafted in to share the rich root of the olive tree, do not boast over the branches. If you do boast, remember that it is not you that support the root, but the root that supports you. Romans 11:17-18

*Isaiah 40:21-31; Psalm 147:1-11,20c; 1 Corinthians 9:16-23; Mark 1:29-39


Moravian Prayer: God, today we gather to sing our alleluias to you. On this our day of worship, we acknowledge that it is not us but Jesus Christ who made it all possible through his love to each of us. Help us to stand together as a living branch extended from that love. Amen. 

Bumper car ride

I feel like a kiddie car with worn bumper pads. Bam, against this wall. Crash, by someone on the run. Smack, didn't see that coming.

I'm writing the final chapters of the dissertation, assembling findings and implications from my study. It should be straight-ahead. I know what I'd like to communicate. But when I read what I've written, it's gibberish.

I'm not close to finished. The hard work of editing lies ahead, and sometimes that takes longer than assembling information. How I wish this were done. Bump. Smash. Zoom, here we go again.

What's whirling you around and around this year?

Read more:

*Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come. Psalm 71:17-18 NIV

Psalm 10:1-11; Genesis 16,17; Matthew 6:5-18

May his glory fill the whole earth. Psalm 72:19

Christ says, "Go into all the world and proclaim the good news to the whole creation." Mark 16:15

Moravian Prayer: Thank you, Holy Spirit, for instilling in us passion and joy for the tasks of going and proclaiming. You've sent us because you love us and we go because we love you. Guide us in this mission today. Amen. 

Not quite a panic attack

Sometimes life feels overwhelming.

The schedule is packed. I run out of day before I finish my checklist. Friends call that they're on the way to Emergency at the hospital. A hot dish full of supper falls to the kitchen floor. And the dogs go ballistic as the doorbell rings.

"Enough!" I yell at the dogs, while my heart is racing. They quiet. I answer the door, wipe the floor, call my friends, and toss the to-do list on the desk for tomorrow beside the thousands of pages of tutorial revisions. (Of course I can put gifts in the stockings tomorrow. And they don't have to be wrapped.) 

Ah, peace. Plus a hot water bottle in the bed and a cup of tea on the bedside table, courtesy of a loving spouse. Turn on the Bible reading program, shut off the lights, snuggle under the covers.

There, that wasn't so bad, I think to myself.

Wishing you peace and joy as the Christmas season unfolds.

Read more:

*Praise the LORD, for he has shown me the wonders of his unfailing love. He kept me safe when my city was under attack. In panic I cried out, 'I am cut off from the LORD!' But you heard my cry for mercy and answered my call for help." Psalm 31:21–22 NLT

*I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. Psalm 40:17 NLT
 

*Psalm 144:1-4 Nahum 1,2; Revelation 14:6-16
 

*As servants of God we have commended ourselves in every way: as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing everything. 2 Corinthians 6:4,10 NLT

Moravian Prayer: Enduring God, help us see past material possessions and wealth here on earth to center ourselves on serving you all the days of our lives. Even if we have nothing, we have all in you. Amen.

The weight of words

Scholars love words. Some researches prefer words to people.


But I'm finding there is a heavy weight in words. When I started my dissertation and wrote the first paper on it, I couldn't find information on early Pentecostal missionary women. Meanwhile, a friend wrote a fantastic dissertation on the rhetoric of early Pentecostal women (Joy Qualls, Regent University) and there are more papers coming down the pipeline all the time.


I'm drowning in all the information I'm supposed to know as "background" for my own findings. As I'm rewriting an article (to be defended in place of tutorial exams), I've begun rereading the print-outs, books, and pages I've assembled in my file cabinet. I feel strangled by the weight of words pressing on me. And I still have two big phases of defense and writing left, though I'm hoping to finish with them this year.

If I don't get through this year, I'm taking the summer off to breathe before tackling the beast again in the fall. My worry is that so many of us are writing at the same time: if I don't get my work approved, who knows if someone else's work will make mine moot. Argh. Even in the last five years, the topic seems to be covered better and better. Another year? I might have to toss my work out altogether.


Barbara Cavaness, who kicked off Assemblies of God research on their female missionaries with her groundbreaking dissertation on single female missionaries, gave me access to her file cabinet. She has neatly sorted articles and copies and papers on all kinds of studies done about missionaries, especially single women. And she hasn't had the time or heart to pass them on since she wrote almost a decade ago.

I'm afraid that may happen to me as well. Many scholars get so attached to all the things we've collected that it wraps itself around us. I suspect that I'm going to be happy to let everything go, though. This process has become a burden, boring me with its minucia, fiddles with editing, and the sheer volume of sameness. Though I want to focus, I'm like the little boy in the picture, lifting what doesn't feel real. After a while, it seems like I'm going backwards rather than forwards. It's like shopping in 101 malls, all of which have the same stores with slightly different displays.


Oh Lord, help! Let me not be wasting my time and yours as I bench press through the weight of scholars before me!


What's weighing you down or causing you to put life on hold?


Read more:

*Then Moses climbed the mountain to appear before God. The LORD called to him from the mountain and said, "Give these instructions to the family of Jacob; announce it to the descendants of Israel: 'You have seen what I did to the Egyptians. You know how I carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to myself. Now if you will obey me and keep my covenant, you will be my own special treasure from among all the peoples on earth; for all the earth belongs to me. And you will be my kingdom of priests, my holy nation.' This is the message you must give to the people of Israel." Exodus 19:3–6 NLT

*I call with all my heart; answer me, O LORD, and I will obey your decrees. I call out to you; save me and I will keep your statutes. I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word. Psalm 119:145-147 NIV

*"And don't address anyone here on earth as 'Father,' for only God in heaven is your spiritual Father. And don't let anyone call you 'Teacher,' for you have only one teacher, the Messiah. The greatest among you must be a servant. But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted." Matthew 23:9–12 NLT

Thankful for ...well, everything!

I'm blessed beyond measure. When our families get together, we don't worry about drag 'em and knock 'em out fights, watching our words so no one gets offended, or second-guessing others' motives. W and I really like our kids (including those who married into the family), our aunts and uncles, and still get along with our parents. Oh yeah, we love each other, too.


Today was very special. While the kids and W went elsewhere to eat turkey, I stayed home to keep writing an article I have to defend as part of my doctoral process. At 5, I ate a can of sardines and heated up some frozen pasta. Yeah, it would have been great to have some turkey and other Thanksgiving fixings, but W and Jono brought home delicious pumpkin pie made by their hostess (thanks, Martha!) Accompanied by peppermint tea, it was a perfect finish to an indifferent repast.

If I counted my blessings and named them one by one, the list would go on into tomorrow. Instead, how about counting five or six blessings of your own, things for which you are grateful. Chalk up a few things that you deserve––as little as I deserve the wonderful blessings in my life.


I'd start my list with: a relationship with Jesus, friends, good family, health, shelter, food, love, education, the ability to read and write, paper and pen, an updated computer and working printer, vision, smell, taste, breath, hearing, touch, spiritual confidence in God's provisions, dogs who adore me. . .


and you... ?


Read more (thankful for you, Tillie!):
*Make a joyful shout to the LORD, all you lands!
Serve the LORD with gladness;
         Come before His presence with singing.
Know that the LORD, He is God;
         It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
         We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
        
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving,
         And into His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
         For the LORD is good;
         His mercy is everlasting,
         And His truth endures to all generations.

Psalm 100   NKJV