Watch the attitude!

Montana: sky country

I felt angry. Frustrated. Began to shut down inside to control the volcano threatening to erupt.

"You okay?" W was tip-toeing around me, loading the last things into the car for the trip home from the cabin. "You seem kind of quiet."

"I'm upset. For years, I've lived in a building project, looking forward to spending time relaxing." I tried to keep my voice on an even keel, but the steam was starting to boil.

Anger used to be my go-to emotion. I was a pepper-shaker of a kid with a flash temper. I learned to control my rage by the time I was in my teens. But every few months, it would bubble up inside me, trapping my mind in a vicious spiral. Some little thing would set off an explosion. When I'd vent my frustration on my husband, he wondered, "Where did that come from?"

I haven't been really angry for a while. The pattern broke when I acknowledged my own failures before God and named the people I hadn't forgiven, one by one. I remember being shocked at what I was holding on to. Hurts. Grievances. Expectations.

And I remember the relief of letting that go, admitting that no one owed me goodness the way I owed God love and obedience. He'd wiped my slate clean. Now I could do the same for others.

My heart sang for days after that encounter with the cross of Christ. Forgiven. Free.

But I was mad Tuesday as we locked the cabin door and drove off.

My favorite spot this summer:
watching peaceful glacier run-off

W's crafting had been a joyful relaxation for him each summer. He likes to do things himself so he didn't want me building alongside.

I watched. Waited. Got impatient at the pace and incremental progress. Blocked my feelings until I didn't care anymore if it ever got done. I stayed home a few summers while I finished my studies.

Then last year, I spent an extra month at the cabin on my own, closing the doors of the rooms that were undone, mentally blocking out the unfinished parts while I recovered from cramming through a dissertation. God knew I needed the quiet space.

This year, W built the beds in the bunk rooms. The light fixtures went up. The mattresses and pillows were put in place; I collected enough sheets, sleeping bags, and blankets for 20 people. (Thanks Mom!) I finally got to wallpaper the back entry with maps, hung a few funny sayings on the wall, and moved furniture into place. It looked great and worked just as designed. Made me happy!

We were home-away-from-home. Except that we had to clean up and leave a day after hosting a big group. There was no time to relax.

Wide open roads and sky

"Waaa. waaa. Girl, you have a choice to make." I could hear a mocking echo in my head as the car pulled away. "Look around you."

The trees pumped oxygen into the clear Montana sky, blue-green mountains feathered with evergreens on every horizon. Stunning. We'd enjoyed these surroundings for 19 years, not to mention making wonderful friends who made each summer a special retreat.

"What will you choose? To hold the resentment? To fill your soul with joy at the beauty I've given you?" God was hemming me between options. Thankfulness? Gratitude? Or my old acquaintance, anger?

I was ticked enough to think about it. To consider reengaging the comfort of my destructive habits.

Then W pulled up to a cabin to say goodbye to our friends. They've helped us, shared meals, and been an integral part of our life in Montana. The fellow and W worked together on our cabin and their computer, talking about faith and God and life.

"You're leaving already?" the wife opened the door. Four other women were getting up from the living room sofa. "We have a prayer meeting every Tuesday," she said. "Come in."

Her husband walked in the door as we were hugging and saying goodbye. They extended their hands in a prayer circle and prayed over us. Blessed us. Asked God to provide the finances and prayer supporters for our mission. I could hardly hold back my tears.

Flowers for the cabin

I felt God chuckling as we got into the car to leave. "You didn't really think I was going to let you stew on the way home, did you?" Apparently he cares for W (and me!) too much for that.

My heart lifted. I felt grateful for our years at camp. The gravel crunched under the tires, the clean air washed through my lungs, and the landscape began to stream by the windows. We'd had a gift from God for nearly two decades. Who could complain?

"How are you feeling?" I asked W a few times on the way home. He admitted he was sad to leave, as I was.

We had a great trip home. Relaxed. Prepared for reentry: the university faculty meets this week to start up the academic year. I'm rearranging life for the new season, checking off appointments in the coming week.

For the first time we can remember, there was no smog cloud and no stench of pollution when we came over Snoqualmie Pass and dropped down toward Seattle. It had rained the night before and the air was clear. Another gift - we dread that return to city smells and haze.

God is good. And we are His. I'm happy that He loves us too much to let us wallow in sin and its consequences. That He renews our strength to soar like the eagles. That His beauty fills the world and refreshes my soul.

It's all in the attitude. What are you choosing to focus on in your own circumstances today?

Read more:
*Seek good and not evil, that you may live. Amos 5:14 NLT

*Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. Romans 12:17 NLT

Moravian Prayer: Almighty God, help us to seek the right path. We delight in your goodness and seek to follow you. We are your children, give us your peace. May we be noble in your sight and walk in your ways. Amen.

What timing is this?!

"If you're going to blog about going to Indonesia, be sure to write about the bad things as well as the good," my mother-in-law said to me yesterday. "That's real life."

I woke up this morning a bit dumbfounded by God's timing, so I'll write about that. I am puzzled why God would choose this time of life for W and me to become church planters and mission teachers.

I don't mind getting older. A strange facet of American culture is the resistance of 40-60-year olds to admit that we're aging. "You're not old!" my friends protest (in self-defense?) when I self-identify as "an old lady," compared to younger women.

Hello? Compared to 20- and 30-somethings like our kids, I AM old. It takes me a long time to learn what I could breeze through and remember years ago. How am I going to learn a new language and fit into a 180o different culture? When I look in the mirror, there's no denying that the years are stamping themselves on my face and body.

Oh well. Here we are. Mid-50s. Going into missions. I'm reminded of a couple of recent encounters:

1) A pastor asked us, "Why are you going at this time of life? Will our investment ($) be worth it? Should we be investing in young people instead?"

I ran that past Dr. Wayde Goodall, the NU School of Ministry dean and my husband's trusted adviser.

"What people here don't understand," he told me, "is that age and grey hair are valued where you are going. Precisely because you are older, well-educated, and mature in the faith, you have advantages young people don't yet have.

"What about bishops, apostles, and elders in scripture? They were entrusted with building the church in the New Testament. Remember that if someone asks you about 'being old.'" (Thanks, Dr. Wayde, for scriptural insights to balance our cultural assumptions!)

2) Pastor Kim Martinez talks about God's intentionality when we're feeling stalled by circumstances or ability. (Listen here for her talk.) She notes that Joseph was an arrogant spoiled young man, sure of his dreams and his ability to lead. But God took him through difficulties and detours. Joseph wasn't ready for the top post until he was ready in God's timing. Then, Joseph's readiness coincided with Egypt's need for a wise administrator.

We weren't supposed to go until this time in our lives. This is what God has designed. What in our characters and personalities needed to be knocked off - or added?

The confidence of our youth, the easy "we-can-do-anything!" and "let's go for it!" attitudes are past. I actually can't imagine waking without the comforts of our home, the quiet forest behind the house, and the safe haven of family and friends who know and trust us. I feel afraid when I wake some mornings, that we're not enough and "nothing will happen" when we get there.

That's when God says, "Remember, nothing was EVER about you or W. It's always been about Me. If you remember that and live that way, I WILL do what I planned - through the two of you and those who will teach you and work with you."

 3) I'm wondering if I can learn Bahasa Indonesia. At least it's not as hard as Mandarin, which I expected to study as a young woman. (W proposed to me, asking, "Will you go to Red China with me?")

When we visited Beijing in 2011, I was grief-stricken, sitting in a Chinese church service. I knew I could never learn Mandarin and that region of missions was closed to us.

We are going where the language is one of the simplest to acquire (according to linguists). I'm gradually listening to more and more Bahasa, trying to hear patterns and pronunciation. I'm hoping I can learn it, bit by bit. I'll always have a funny accent and I may not know all the words.

Language encapsulates its culture's gifts of thinking and knowing. Our parents were immigrants who spoke German. (W's folks knew Polish and Russian, too.) Our childhood churches used another language. We taught our children German so they would have alternate ways of knowing the world. Sometimes when we pray or read scripture, we slip back into German because there are words that express God's truths differently than English does.

Limited though our ability may be, both W and I intend to do our best to understand our new friends from the inside out. That means language learning.

4) I'm tired. Just thinking about down-sizing and moving wears me out. We don't have the energy of 30-somethings or even 40-somethings. God reminds me that maybe Job wasn't initially that thrilled about starting anew. Maybe he wasn't THAT excited about having 10 more kids, after being sick and losing it all. Yet God blessed him with a new family, great riches, and wisdom that moderns still learn from.

Thank God for our good health and plenty of vigor. We may take longer to think through what we're doing now. But that might be a good thing in days ahead.

God only knows. It's his timing, after all!

Read more:

*For the Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life." Job 33:4 NLT

*This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him. 1 John 5:14-15 NIV

*God consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God. 2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT

Moravian Prayer: You are our refuge and strength, O God, our ever-present help in trouble. Embolden us to share the good news of your steadfast love. Make us instruments your consolation, we pray, in Jesus’ name. Amen