Lent Day 36: Anticipation and dread

Dreaming of good things

I sometimes get the shivers when people say, "I've asked God to give me patience (a kind heart / the ability to love everyone / endurance in trials, etc.)"

Now how exactly do we expect to acquire those - or other - virtues? Is God more likely to answer through magical impartation or by guiding us through deep waters and hard times?

"The fruit of the Spirit is learned by interaction within a community, not in isolation," W said the other day. In other words, when someone frustrates us, we learn to forgive rather than retaliate. We wait rather than barging ahead. We speak kindly rather than responding in anger. Ouch ouch ouch, this process of becoming like Jesus. Sometimes it hurts.

Have you ever thought about the many selfish requests we disguise as spiritual prayers? We pray for good things, but we may just want to look good = patient, joy-filled, loving, and peaceful. However, do we expect to pay the price to achieve genuine character? "Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of lights, in whom there is no shadow of turning." That's certain, but we forget that each gift is exercised with the darkness pressing in. Given to us where we're dancing in the shadows that swirl around humanity.

Casting off for distant shores

Here's an honest personal reflection as we prepare for a new season: when we're asked if we're excited about moving to Indonesia, I admit to mixed feelings. So many cool things await us: meeting new people, sharing the love of Jesus, and living in new surroundings. Tempering my anticipation are other realities, like the reports from every church planter we've met. (They've said it's been harder than expected. To a person, they admit that they have almost quit many times.) Also, every cross-cultural worker talks about culture shock - of feeling out of place among the unspoken rules and customs everyone else seems to understand. We'll feel the cross some times more than others.

Reality is sometimes even crueler than anticipation. This week I think about how Jesus knew he was going to the cross. He warned his disciples that he would be crucified. But he still had to sweat drops of blood, the agony of "no other way" as he wrestling with his destiny in the garden of Gethsemane. He still had to endure the whipping, the spittle, the mocking laughter of Roman guards, and the shrieks of his fellow Jews demanding his death. The weight of the cross dragged on his bloody back. The nails stamped through his hands and feet. The thud of the cross resounded as it dropped into its holder. Jesus endured hours of pain while bystanders shouted curses and his mother cried nearby.

Expected. Harder than expected.

The world is beautiful because of Him

And oh so worthwhile. The salvation of the world depended on him then. For us, he suffered through pain and sin and sorrows.

W and I are becoming part of a long tradition - people who tell the Story here and there, sharing God's hopes for reconciliation with his creatures. We are not especially adventurous or courageous. Others have been fiercer, more zealous, more ambitious. We know we join a mission already in progress, doing our part along with a host of others. We feel lucky to be called. Blessed to be going. Grateful to be giving. After all, it's God's tale of grace and inclusion that we're sharing.

But this week of the cross, oh this Holy Week that I dread each year because of Christ's suffering -- this last time we will joyfully celebrate Easter at home with family ... Ah, my heart is full and there are no more words.

Read more:

*All look to you to give them their food in due season; when you give to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are filled with good things. Psalm 104:27-28

*But now, this is what the Lord says- he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire,     you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. Isaiah 43:1-3 NIV

*God has not left himself without a witness in doing good—giving you rains from heaven and fruitful seasons, and filling you with food and your hearts with joy." Acts14:17

*And being found in human form, Jesus humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death— even death on a cross. Philippians 2:7,8

*Now I would remind you, brothers, of the gospel I preached to you, which you received, in which you stand, For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures. 1 Corinthians 15:1, 3, 4

Do not take the word of truth utterly out of my mouth. Psalm 119:43

The crowds that went ahead of him and that followed were shouting, "Hosanna to the Son of David! Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest heaven!" Matthew 21:9

Moravian Prayer: Loving Savior, your entry into Jerusalem was showered with, "Hosanna! Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord!" May our lives continue to shower you with hosannas—you are most blessed. 

Lord, giver of every good and perfect gift, we thank you. May we be your witness for good, helping those in need, bringing joy into their lives, and filling them with your love. Amen.

Crafting the call

The temperatures in Bandung this week peak at 89o (days) and swoop to 62o (nights). What's not to like?!

As we pare down clothing for a smaller closet and a new climate, I'm happy. I've experienced so many occasions in the clothes that I'm giving away. There have been birthdays, funerals, weddings, dinners, walks in the neighborhood, bike rides on the trail, and everything between. Groceries and a grandchild have leaned against them. Very few haven't been worn often: I like variety in dress.

We're looking forward to two days of instruction: our ministry network hosts a LAUNCH workshop in Snoqualmie today and tomorrow. The landscape is gorgeous nearby, but the people in the room are more precious. We're learning to gather resources for service to others.

W spoke in chapel Wednesday. Students asked how they could go to Indo: that's very cool! The missionaries have told us to recruit people, as well as our necessary finances. We believe God will use every kind of participation to bless this country. Will you be part of that effort?

Do you sense a change coming in your own life? Is God asking you to go? Is he calling your name, whispering a new job, different country, or ministry challenge into your ears? Are you willing to listen? To respond?

For us, saying "yes" means clearing away anything that doesn't belong in the new season. It's an arduous process because we've rooted ourselves deeply in our community, church, and home. It's an ambitious project because there's so much to learn and to do.

This season is also reflective and meditative. We're rethinking life, going forward without all the props we've enjoyed. God is confirming our calling. He's drawing us in through scriptures, mentors, and stories. [Our story here.]

I want to ask you again: Do you sense a change coming in your own life? Is God asking you to go? Is he calling your name, whispering a new job, different country, or ministry challenge into your ears? Are you willing to listen? To respond?

Read more:
*Be glad, O children of Zion, and rejoice in the LORD your God, for he has given the early rain for your vindication; he has poured down for you abundant rain, the early and the latter rain, as before. Joel 2:23 ESV

*God says, "I will be like the dew to Israel; he shall blossom like the lily." Hosea 14:5 NLT

*Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. Luke 12:27 NLT

Moravian Prayer: Providing God, grant us the faith to trust in you providence. If you care for the simplest parts of creation, how much more do you care for us whom you created in your own image? May we cease to worry and put our trust in you. Amen.

Things they say you'll love

Here's a list of what we were told will be fun about this last year at home:

1. Dreaming the future. God will put new things in your hearts and fill your mind with ideas. 
2. Meeting people who will shape you. God will build new relationships that broaden your scope of possibilities, spiritually, intellectually, physically, and emotionally.
3. Resizing life. Shedding the past will open doors for now and what is yet to come.
4. Fundraising. It's meeting friends who support God's call and "go along with you" with prayer and resources.
5. Being inspired by others. In unexpected times and ways, people come alongside to encourage, support, and share their experiences.
6. Inspiring others. Who knows who, young and old, will engage in Kingdom service because of our own excitement about - get this - God's call on "old people" like us?

We've found it's all is true. We're excited, thrilled, and anticipating the move to Indonesia next June.

Yet it's not just fun. It's hard work, this alignment with the call of God within the shape of our personalities and backgrounds. There have been a lot of smiles, a few tears, some heated discussions, and many brainstorming sessions with friends and colleagues.

We appreciate every prayer and every contribution - words, hugs, construction help, those who've rehomed our stuff, money toward the mission, and commitments to come alongside when we go. God's goodness shines through you - and we are SOOOO grateful to Him ... and to you.

Read more:
* I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2 NEV

*A king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength. Psalm 33:16 NEV

*Whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant. Mark 10:43 ESV

Moravian Prayer: Creator God, it is only in service to you that we can truly be great. Help us to serve those in need and be the arm of your salvation. Act through our service in mighty ways just as you did when you created this world. Amen.

*From CS Lewis in The Great Divorce: I believe, to be sure, that any man who reaches Heaven will find that what he abandoned (even in plucking out his right eye) has not been lost: that the kernel of what he was really seeking even in his most depraved wishes will be there, beyond expectation, waiting for him in ‘the High Countries’. In that sense it will be true for those who have completed the journey (and for no others) to say that good is every- thing and Heaven everywhere. But we, at this end of the road, must not try to anticipate that retrospective vision. If we do, we are likely to embrace the false and disastrous converse and fancy that everything is good and everywhere is Heaven.

But what, you ask, of earth? Earth, I think, will not be found by anyone to be in the end a very distinct place. I think earth, if chosen instead of Heaven, will turn out to have been, all along, only a region in Hell: and earth, if put second to Heaven, to have been from the beginning a part of Heaven itself.

What timing is this?!

"If you're going to blog about going to Indonesia, be sure to write about the bad things as well as the good," my mother-in-law said to me yesterday. "That's real life."

I woke up this morning a bit dumbfounded by God's timing, so I'll write about that. I am puzzled why God would choose this time of life for W and me to become church planters and mission teachers.

I don't mind getting older. A strange facet of American culture is the resistance of 40-60-year olds to admit that we're aging. "You're not old!" my friends protest (in self-defense?) when I self-identify as "an old lady," compared to younger women.

Hello? Compared to 20- and 30-somethings like our kids, I AM old. It takes me a long time to learn what I could breeze through and remember years ago. How am I going to learn a new language and fit into a 180o different culture? When I look in the mirror, there's no denying that the years are stamping themselves on my face and body.

Oh well. Here we are. Mid-50s. Going into missions. I'm reminded of a couple of recent encounters:

1) A pastor asked us, "Why are you going at this time of life? Will our investment ($) be worth it? Should we be investing in young people instead?"

I ran that past Dr. Wayde Goodall, the NU School of Ministry dean and my husband's trusted adviser.

"What people here don't understand," he told me, "is that age and grey hair are valued where you are going. Precisely because you are older, well-educated, and mature in the faith, you have advantages young people don't yet have.

"What about bishops, apostles, and elders in scripture? They were entrusted with building the church in the New Testament. Remember that if someone asks you about 'being old.'" (Thanks, Dr. Wayde, for scriptural insights to balance our cultural assumptions!)

2) Pastor Kim Martinez talks about God's intentionality when we're feeling stalled by circumstances or ability. (Listen here for her talk.) She notes that Joseph was an arrogant spoiled young man, sure of his dreams and his ability to lead. But God took him through difficulties and detours. Joseph wasn't ready for the top post until he was ready in God's timing. Then, Joseph's readiness coincided with Egypt's need for a wise administrator.

We weren't supposed to go until this time in our lives. This is what God has designed. What in our characters and personalities needed to be knocked off - or added?

The confidence of our youth, the easy "we-can-do-anything!" and "let's go for it!" attitudes are past. I actually can't imagine waking without the comforts of our home, the quiet forest behind the house, and the safe haven of family and friends who know and trust us. I feel afraid when I wake some mornings, that we're not enough and "nothing will happen" when we get there.

That's when God says, "Remember, nothing was EVER about you or W. It's always been about Me. If you remember that and live that way, I WILL do what I planned - through the two of you and those who will teach you and work with you."

 3) I'm wondering if I can learn Bahasa Indonesia. At least it's not as hard as Mandarin, which I expected to study as a young woman. (W proposed to me, asking, "Will you go to Red China with me?")

When we visited Beijing in 2011, I was grief-stricken, sitting in a Chinese church service. I knew I could never learn Mandarin and that region of missions was closed to us.

We are going where the language is one of the simplest to acquire (according to linguists). I'm gradually listening to more and more Bahasa, trying to hear patterns and pronunciation. I'm hoping I can learn it, bit by bit. I'll always have a funny accent and I may not know all the words.

Language encapsulates its culture's gifts of thinking and knowing. Our parents were immigrants who spoke German. (W's folks knew Polish and Russian, too.) Our childhood churches used another language. We taught our children German so they would have alternate ways of knowing the world. Sometimes when we pray or read scripture, we slip back into German because there are words that express God's truths differently than English does.

Limited though our ability may be, both W and I intend to do our best to understand our new friends from the inside out. That means language learning.

4) I'm tired. Just thinking about down-sizing and moving wears me out. We don't have the energy of 30-somethings or even 40-somethings. God reminds me that maybe Job wasn't initially that thrilled about starting anew. Maybe he wasn't THAT excited about having 10 more kids, after being sick and losing it all. Yet God blessed him with a new family, great riches, and wisdom that moderns still learn from.

Thank God for our good health and plenty of vigor. We may take longer to think through what we're doing now. But that might be a good thing in days ahead.

God only knows. It's his timing, after all!

Read more:

*For the Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life." Job 33:4 NLT

*This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him. 1 John 5:14-15 NIV

*God consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God. 2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT

Moravian Prayer: You are our refuge and strength, O God, our ever-present help in trouble. Embolden us to share the good news of your steadfast love. Make us instruments your consolation, we pray, in Jesus’ name. Amen

What next? The big reveal

Where in the world is Indonesia?

The last six weeks have been crazy. But now I can tell you why! Here's what God has in store for us.

My dear friend (Martha Ming) passed along an opportunity over lunch in late March, and then her husband Mel shared it with W a few days later. My heart almost stopped when W paused and said, "You know, that may be a good fit for us." [He's never considered anything but NU teaching in decades.]

We're leaving Seattle to become Missionary Associates to Indonesia (initially for 2 years, but we plan a permanent move). Starting date is Summer 2014. We have a year of fundraising and preparation while W finishes out his teaching contract at Northwest U (2013-14). Then we're on our way.

Bandung

In brief: last fall, I heard the hint: "Get the TESOL certificate." I was thinking of the multicultural world of Seattle. However, I was so burned out after finishing the PhD that I just said, "Nope. No more paper. I'm done!Done!DONE!"

This spring I felt a renewed urgency to do TESOL [teaching English to speakers of other languages]. I asked W if NU had summer classes. They did. 4 weeks in a row. I signed up. After which this invitation arrived ...

Many of you have asked me -- some of you more than once :-) -- "Why are you getting a doctorate? Why a missions-focus? What kind of a job do you get with this?" OR more recently, "Now that you're done, what are you going to do with your degree?"

I had no idea. I only knew I was supposed to go to school, that the program was the right one, and that the outcome was God's business!

And here we are. In two weeks my TESOL courses are done. We'll attend Pre-Field Orientation in Missouri, then teach a month in Singapore, and come back for W's final year (his 28th!) at Northwest U. NU is so much a part of our DNA that it's weird to think of not being part of the campus. (Our kids are alums, as are we)

Our president (Joseph Castleberry) and W's colleagues are excited for us. We'll stay connected to NU and anticipate that its students and alums will join us to do God's work in Indonesia in coming years.

Please feel free to ask us any questions, and please support us financially and pray for us!

My heart's pounding. OF COURSE I'LL BE BLOGGING THE PROCESS!

Read more:
Today the NU provost sent the following announcement:
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Dear Friends,

I want to make you aware that Waldemar and Rosemarie Kowalski have accepted an assignment as Missionary Associates to Indonesia with Assemblies of God World Missions. This assignment is scheduled to begin after the end of the 2013-14 academic year. So after 28 years, this next will be Waldemar’s last as a full-time faculty member. 

Talk about mixed emotions! Waldemar has been an incredible force for good at NU. As the only instructor of our daytime Christian Thought course, Waldemar is the only faculty member from whom almost every traditional undergraduate takes a class. He has had a huge role in defining the NU experience for many generations of students. Similarly, Rosemarie has been involved at NU in a variety of ways over their time here, and recently completed a PhD in Intercultural Studies. We will miss them at NU.

On the other hand, we are pleased for Waldemar and Rosemarie—with their children (all NU alums) out of the house, it is exciting to take on a completely new challenge for the advancement of God’s kingdom. Their plan is to partner with NU alumnus Dave Kenney in planting an International English Service in Bandung, near Jakarta. Waldemar will continue to teach in various university and church settings, including as teaching pastor in the church plant.

They will attend Pre-Field Orientation in Springfield Missouri this June and then begin the process of raising their support. We will all have a chance to learn more details about their plans, but importantly, they hope to stay connected to NU by teaching online courses and by providing a place for NU students to have short-term mission experiences. 

We look forward to honoring Waldemar and Rosemarie over the coming year, both for their service to NU and for their example of being open to God’s direction.

Jim [Heugel]
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*Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness. Psalm 115:1*Jesus said, “When you pray, say: Father, hallowed be your name.” Luke 11:2Moravian Prayer: O High and Holy One, we owe you love, adoration, and worship for your steadfast love and faithfulness. With Jesus’ help we will honor your name in every act, thought, and deed. Amen.

World Christianity

The dark wood floors gleam with polish, and the soft grey walls cool the cottage. I'm studying in a friend's place over the weekend, a home filled with lace, hand-hooked rugs, and pillows.

Yesterday I plowed through five or six books on my way through thirty for Friday's second exam. The information (contextualizing the Christian faith across cultures) is fascinating. I love the history of missionaries, their interaction with and love for people groups, and the missionary observations that informed the science of anthropology in the West. They pioneered, explorered, and adventured in surroundings completely strange to them.

Tracing the ongoing transformation of cultures is interesting. As missionaries sought to understand their fields of service, they translated works by world religions. By giving the text to the people, Buddhist, Shinto, Islamic, and Hindu systems resurfaced among their populations, morphing to shape and regulate their own cultures more strongly. Where Western culture was imposed along with the gospel, the Church separated from the indigenous culture within a generation or two. The gulf is almost insurmountable in some places today, with parallel cultures that can hardly identify with each other.

The feeling that Christianity is Western is unfounded: the faith is Middle Eastern in origin. Christians were in India from the first century, if Indian historians are accurate. A Chinese emperor erected a monument to Christians in his court in the seventh century. Buddhism reached Japan about the same time as Christianity - and it is not sidelined as a foreign system. (In the next generations, as Muslims have big families in Europe and migrate out, will Islam be called a Western religion?)

As I go through today's books, I am excited to read how Good News is good news everywhere. That God should send Jesus to give us abundant life, to let us be fully human in the moment, to reconcile us into the open friendship he made us for... how thrilling is that? It's time for a pause to say thank you. I'm happy to be part of world Christianity.

"Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. May your [peaceful and loving] kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven..."