Facing our fears

Do you ever feel afraid? Let's talk about that today.

As part of my transparency in this journey toward Indonesia, I admit times of fear. Terror. Dread. Reluctance.

Why? I'm a free-fall planner. That is, I work out details and alternatives in advance. But when push comes to shove, I go with the flow, changing my expectations and responses as life happens.

That doesn't mean I'm always happy with a change of plans. It doesn't mean I don't wonder if things will work out. And it doesn't mean I'm never afraid. (Adrenaline kicks in as the current takes my life-raft down the river. Off we go! The emotions and the possibility of disaster hit me afterwards.) Baring a few crashes, things have worked out pretty well so far.

Which of these common fears has crossed your mind?

• The unknown: what if life is completely different than expected? Can we adapt?
• Expectations: what if we're not good enough? If we don't meet the expectations of self or others?
• Being overwhelmed: what if we get stressed out and can't cope?
• Failure: what if we flop? Miss the mark? Miss the whole target? What happens then?
• Harm: what if we get hurt? Ill? Die?
• Abandonment: what if we're forgotten? "Out of sight, out of mind" became a cliche for a reason.
• Making the wrong decision: what if we take the wrong fork in the road? Can God redeem our mistakes?

Here's what I've learned from facing my own fears:

1. God never changes, though people and circumstances may. "For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed" (Malachi 3:6; also Psalm 90:2); and "Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today, and forever" (Hebrews 13:8).
2. God knows what's coming, even when we don't. We may anticipate things that never happen, expending energy on useless worries. (Read Psalm 23 for assurance.)
3. He is with us. Moses, Gideon, and other leaders experienced "God With Us." Jesus was that promise (Matthew 1:23).
4. God is big enough to cover everything we can't control: "I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty" (Revelation 1:8).
5. God has our backs when we fail or don't live up to expectations: Jesus continues to be our intercessor and Savior. "Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus ... is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us" (Romans 8:34); and "A person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified" (Galatians 2:16).
6. Though we are limited, God is limitless. Acknowledging God's infinite power and ability, assures us that we don't have to manage the world (or ourselves). Job replied to the Lord: “I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know" (Job 42:1-2).
7. We're going to be okay. Troubles certainly will come but God promises rescue. We might as well trust God and move ahead. "From the ends of the earth I will cry to You. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I" (Psalm 61:2). Jesus said, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me" (John 14:1).
8. God will bring people alongside, if we are willing to ask for - and accept - their advice and help. "Moses’ father-in-law said to him, 'This isn’t the right way to do this. It is too much work for you to do alone. You cannot do this job by yourself. It wears you out. And it makes the people tired too. Now, listen to me. Let me give you some advice. And I pray God will be with you.' ... So Moses did what Jethro told him" (Exodus 18:17-19, 24).

What fears are you facing? What (and who) will help you face today and the future?

Down they go!

First meal: artisan toast with
cranberry goat cheese and
pickled herring. (Yes, we're
eating our way through the pantry.)

How did you feel the last time you moved? Was it hard - or a relief - to go through the things that had to be left behind? Was moving away a mind trip? Did you love your arrival and the new place?

Our kids and 2-year-old granddaughter moved in with us a month and a half ago. When we negotiated living together, everyone promised not to push me into an unfinished space: I've done it twice before and it's unsettling (to say the least). So while Timo and W left for work each day, M and I have been doing cooking and doing chores around the boxes (theirs and ours) in the hallways and rooms.

The whole project started in April, after we felt called to move to Indonesia next year. We had an unfinished basement space, impossibly heaped with shelves, boxes, a commercial pool table, and years of unexamined storage. Our kids' lease was expiring in the fall; we'd need a place to stay on furloughs. After confirmation of our appointment, I sold our dining table, movers shifted the pool table into what used to be our dining room, and the project got underway.

A first look at our living room / bedroom

I planned the space while W cleared and sorted and removed. Placing the walls and plumbing on a sketch, I could almost imagine the future. There were a few bumps and re-negotiations along the way, shifts in thinking when building reality leaned against my drawings.

Slowly but surely, a home emerged. W and our son scrubbed 20 years of living off the concrete floors and painted them white. Friends helped plumb, drywall, and paint walls and ceilings the same white color. Our friend Terry wired the basement, asking, "Won't the living room be too bright with six sconces @ two bulbs each?"

I can safely say, "Nope. Just right." I'm not a friend of darkness by day.

Another side of the room

The guys dragged down our bigger furniture, while I made dozens of trips daily between the upper floor and the basement, boxes in hand. There's barely been time to wipe down the emptying spaces. Our daughter-in-law, highly pregnant, is nesting for the baby's arrival next month. She's on my heels with a washrag and vacuum. "I have a thing for deep-cleaning when I move in or out," she says. If we would have moved the normal way, I would have done that for her. Oh well, another casualty of good intentions.

Strangers have come and gone, hauling away our past life. Furniture, rugs, cookware, and decor found new homes through Craigslist and Freecycle, funding our build-out below. Reef tanks, dogs, and "future replacements" for the house ... gone. My brother purchased our friend's grand piano from the living room. Gradually we've emptied the kitchen, bathrooms, and my office.

And a comfy chair behind the
zebra hide footstool.

Monday, I packed the last of our daughter Kirsten's things into our SUV, meeting the mover who was dead-heading a run to Austin, where she lives. We'd loaned K's piano to a family in the next suburb: the mover  pushed the piano up the ramp, loaded her treasures and my Bernina sewing machine into his truck, and pulled away.

We spent our first night downstairs yesterday. The mattress is comfy and we woke when we were rested: there are no windows to tell us when the sun comes up. Before work, W sorts info on his computer, a few feet away from where I type.

Today, it seems farther up two flights of stairs to our bedroom to empty our bedroom closet than it was coming down from upstairs. But that baby and our relocation to Indonesia is waiting for no one. Off we go.

Read more:
*I have ventured to speak to the Lord, although I am but dust and ashes. Genesis 18:27 NASB

*Christ says, "Everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened." Luke 11:10 NEV

*Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 NIV

*Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. James 1:2-6 NIV

Moravian Prayer: Loving Father, although we were born from dust and ashes, may we ask for blessings when we are in need. When we seek you Lord, let us find you there. Reassure us that you will answer. Amen.

*(CS Lewis, to Mary Willis Shelburne, June 5, 1961: On being overconcerned about the past of others and of our own.) We must beware of the Past, mustn’t we? I mean that any fixing of the mind on old evils beyond what is absolutely necessary for repenting our own sins and forgiving those of others is certainly useless and usually bad for us. Notice in Dante that the lost souls are entirely concerned with their past. Not so the saved. This is one of the dangers of being, like you and me, old. There’s so much past, now, isn’t there? And so little else. But we must try very hard not to keep on endlessly chewing the cud. We must look forward more eagerly to sloughing that old skin off forever—metaphors getting a bit mixed here, but you know what I mean.

"We have at least a few options..."

"We can do this a few ways," I say to my husband and son. They're manhandling a 100 lb. coffee table into the house. Where to store it? It could go here ... or there. Well, maybe not there. A Coach store display table in white lacquer, it's commercially sized at 30"X72". I like it!

The new space is evolving in my head, funded by things we've sold. Right away, I can see that the table rules out our cream sofa slipcovers. (No biggie. Add those covers to the sale pile. Our other colors will look great.)

When I encounter a problem or an opportunity, my instincts leap forward to possible solutions. The desired outcome may have been loosely or tightly framed. However, the journey toward it and even the goal continues to evolve until we're done. I've found that the sum of the parts is often more than predicted! (And it's nearly always different than expected, unless we're willing to fight for exact outcomes.)

The perch for our
greenhouse, as it was
disassembled (BEFORE)

The new backyard ramp
(AFTER)

An example? I've visualized our backyard as a broad patio area, landscaped with planters, a greenhouse, and outdoor seating. The space remained an untamed buffer on the border of the forest, the greenhouse an outpost in an unruly green sea. W or the boys weed-whacked occasionally to keep the foliage from overrunning the house. Our sons beat back encroaching blackberries and reeds every spring.

Goodbye, chaises!

Yesterday, the fellows who brought in gravel and sloped the yard for accessibility redefined the space. We won't be here long and it's functional. Forget the planters, pavers, and evenings on the edge of the forest! We sold our chaises last night.

W has a few more loads of wood and basement leftovers to take to the dump, which will improve the view. We gained an extra parking space at the end of the driveway. W's happy about it; I'm shedding my ideals and getting ready to move away.

Outside, lightning is flashing. Thunder rolls in through the screen door. The rain taps the skylight and saturates the deck. It's a new day, with time to pack up a few more boxes, meet with peers in ministry, and ask God for favor in bringing buyers for what we no longer need. I'll maybe even get in a walk with my granddaughter. Sip a few cups of tea between everything.

C. S. Lewis made an interesting observation about times of discomfort and transition:

The Christian doctrine of suffering explains, I believe, a very curious fact about the world we live in. The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment, He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy.

It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and pose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends, a bathe or a football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.

From The Problem of Pain

Read more:

*Lead me in your truth, and teach me. Psalm 25:5 NLT

*Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the LORD your God, who teaches you to profit, who leads you in the way you should go. Isaiah 48:17 ESV

*Jesus says, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. ... Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:6, 27

Moravian Prayer: Our Guide and Sustainer, you are the beginning, the end, and everything in between. You are the perfect mentor, the perfect companion, and the perfect counselor. Help us always to rely on your wisdom. Amen.