Watch the attitude!

Montana: sky country

I felt angry. Frustrated. Began to shut down inside to control the volcano threatening to erupt.

"You okay?" W was tip-toeing around me, loading the last things into the car for the trip home from the cabin. "You seem kind of quiet."

"I'm upset. For years, I've lived in a building project, looking forward to spending time relaxing." I tried to keep my voice on an even keel, but the steam was starting to boil.

Anger used to be my go-to emotion. I was a pepper-shaker of a kid with a flash temper. I learned to control my rage by the time I was in my teens. But every few months, it would bubble up inside me, trapping my mind in a vicious spiral. Some little thing would set off an explosion. When I'd vent my frustration on my husband, he wondered, "Where did that come from?"

I haven't been really angry for a while. The pattern broke when I acknowledged my own failures before God and named the people I hadn't forgiven, one by one. I remember being shocked at what I was holding on to. Hurts. Grievances. Expectations.

And I remember the relief of letting that go, admitting that no one owed me goodness the way I owed God love and obedience. He'd wiped my slate clean. Now I could do the same for others.

My heart sang for days after that encounter with the cross of Christ. Forgiven. Free.

But I was mad Tuesday as we locked the cabin door and drove off.

My favorite spot this summer:
watching peaceful glacier run-off

W's crafting had been a joyful relaxation for him each summer. He likes to do things himself so he didn't want me building alongside.

I watched. Waited. Got impatient at the pace and incremental progress. Blocked my feelings until I didn't care anymore if it ever got done. I stayed home a few summers while I finished my studies.

Then last year, I spent an extra month at the cabin on my own, closing the doors of the rooms that were undone, mentally blocking out the unfinished parts while I recovered from cramming through a dissertation. God knew I needed the quiet space.

This year, W built the beds in the bunk rooms. The light fixtures went up. The mattresses and pillows were put in place; I collected enough sheets, sleeping bags, and blankets for 20 people. (Thanks Mom!) I finally got to wallpaper the back entry with maps, hung a few funny sayings on the wall, and moved furniture into place. It looked great and worked just as designed. Made me happy!

We were home-away-from-home. Except that we had to clean up and leave a day after hosting a big group. There was no time to relax.

Wide open roads and sky

"Waaa. waaa. Girl, you have a choice to make." I could hear a mocking echo in my head as the car pulled away. "Look around you."

The trees pumped oxygen into the clear Montana sky, blue-green mountains feathered with evergreens on every horizon. Stunning. We'd enjoyed these surroundings for 19 years, not to mention making wonderful friends who made each summer a special retreat.

"What will you choose? To hold the resentment? To fill your soul with joy at the beauty I've given you?" God was hemming me between options. Thankfulness? Gratitude? Or my old acquaintance, anger?

I was ticked enough to think about it. To consider reengaging the comfort of my destructive habits.

Then W pulled up to a cabin to say goodbye to our friends. They've helped us, shared meals, and been an integral part of our life in Montana. The fellow and W worked together on our cabin and their computer, talking about faith and God and life.

"You're leaving already?" the wife opened the door. Four other women were getting up from the living room sofa. "We have a prayer meeting every Tuesday," she said. "Come in."

Her husband walked in the door as we were hugging and saying goodbye. They extended their hands in a prayer circle and prayed over us. Blessed us. Asked God to provide the finances and prayer supporters for our mission. I could hardly hold back my tears.

Flowers for the cabin

I felt God chuckling as we got into the car to leave. "You didn't really think I was going to let you stew on the way home, did you?" Apparently he cares for W (and me!) too much for that.

My heart lifted. I felt grateful for our years at camp. The gravel crunched under the tires, the clean air washed through my lungs, and the landscape began to stream by the windows. We'd had a gift from God for nearly two decades. Who could complain?

"How are you feeling?" I asked W a few times on the way home. He admitted he was sad to leave, as I was.

We had a great trip home. Relaxed. Prepared for reentry: the university faculty meets this week to start up the academic year. I'm rearranging life for the new season, checking off appointments in the coming week.

For the first time we can remember, there was no smog cloud and no stench of pollution when we came over Snoqualmie Pass and dropped down toward Seattle. It had rained the night before and the air was clear. Another gift - we dread that return to city smells and haze.

God is good. And we are His. I'm happy that He loves us too much to let us wallow in sin and its consequences. That He renews our strength to soar like the eagles. That His beauty fills the world and refreshes my soul.

It's all in the attitude. What are you choosing to focus on in your own circumstances today?

Read more:
*Seek good and not evil, that you may live. Amos 5:14 NLT

*Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. Romans 12:17 NLT

Moravian Prayer: Almighty God, help us to seek the right path. We delight in your goodness and seek to follow you. We are your children, give us your peace. May we be noble in your sight and walk in your ways. Amen.

At just the right time... the happy toppling of strongholds

Got an unrecognizable spiritual block? In a funk and stuck? Yeah, me too.

God responds to our prayers and requests, often surprising us with unexpected grace. Sunday was one of those mornings for me.

I almost skipped church. Our granddaughter, on a sleepover overnight, had a cold and probably should stay in. However, I had promised to volunteer before the first service so my husband stayed home with Kinsey. Off I went.

I'd puzzled over a blockage in my spiritual progress during the past few years: what was keeping me from wholeheartedly pursuing God? Was I wearing out from studies? At an impasse because that sometimes "just happens?" Or could there be some root cause I hadn't thought of? When I prayed, I remained frustrated at the lack of clarity about moving forward in my spiritual journey.

Don Ross, our lead pastor at Creekside, alternates topical and expository (exploring a book of the Bible) preaching. We're currently in the middle of four weeks about Dealing with your own Worst Enemy: how to leave behind the past to freely embrace faith and practice. Last week, he talked about confessing our sin and sins as a release from guilt. Very cool and interesting. I thought about the talk for a few days.

Cain and Abel: Durer woodcut

This week, Don poured scriptures over our heads again. Using Genesis 4, the story of the first death--premeditated murder, he examined the  anger that can result from being hurt by others. He talked about bitterness which provides a stronghold for undermining spiritual health. Don spotlighted the power of anger, the choice of forgiveness, and the resulting freedom from hostility, fatigue, and depression. Hmmm. The symptoms sounded like my internal churning at times.

Was I harboring unforgiveness? Had someone hurt me, whom I was "holding to account?" Immediately, I scribbled four names on my note sheet as God brought four events to mind. My writer's hand captured them: 1, 2, 3, 4. What?! That required no effort at all.

Don offered his listeners three practical responses: 1) forgive and move on; 2) consider forgiveness but hold expectations of others (hope they'd admit to hurting us); or 3) hang on to deep hurts.

OUT! GO! GOODBYE! "I'm ready to move on," my heart shouted as my body sat quietly on the back bench.

Happiness and relief flooded me as I drove home. "I almost missed it!" I said aloud in the confines of the car. "I almost stayed home today." Oh, thank God!!! for a word spoken in a season of openness and inquiry.

This morning, the music inside my body plays happy worship. God reminded me how he has continually refreshed my life by taking away such barriers to freedom and ministry:

• As young adults, one of the guys from youth group apologized for his hurtful words, spoken years earlier. I didn't remember at all. His words had fallen to the ground unarmed and he had suffered alone. After I gladly forgave, his joyful demeanor remained in my memory.
• One morning, driving home from an errand, God spoke "forgive, forgive" into my heart. Nothing more, just "forgive." I began considering what that strong urging meant. Later that day I found out one family member's treachery to another. My heart had been prepared. 
• More recently, two of us mutually admitted our lack of cooperation. Since then, we've become friends and I look forward to seeing him rather than avoiding our meetings.

Is a spiritual stronghold taping you to the spot though your feet long to run and dance? Here's what I learned about moving forward:

1. Open your heart to God. Pray. Acknowledge your inability to do life without God's help. Ask him to make the path clear.
2. Participate in a community of faith where God is speaking, ready to hear what God says. I got to church that day because I was "working" that morning.
3. Trust God to approach you when the time is right. He rarely forces his children to obey but provides ongoing opportunities to follow him.
4. Do what God asks. When your heart starts to pound (or your spirit resists) at confrontation with a biblical truth, you get to decide: yes or no? Obey or rebel? The choice is yours each time. If what's right seems too hard or your will stubbornly refuses, ask God's help. He'll strengthen you so you can thrive rather than exist.

Happily removing things that strangle us

Are you ready to release a stranglehold on your soul and walk in freedom? It may take a while to unwind the cords wrapped around you. The God of grace and lovingkindness invites us to become willing to travel with him, step by careful step. He protects us as we walk toward him in newness of life.

Read more:

*The LORD is God, shining upon us. Psalm 118:27

*(God says) "Just like the clay in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand." Jeremiah 18:6 (NASB)  

*It is God who is at work in you, enabling you both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Philippians 2:13

Moravian Prayer: Work in us, dear Lord. Shape us into the vessel of your will as we do your works of grace. Bend us into your likeness, Lord Jesus and may the Holy Spirit complete in us all your gifts. Amen.