Missing my dad's voice

Saturday, December 14, 2024

4 years ago from yesterday, my dad died. I miss him more this year than ever. I want to run ideas past him, hug his barrel chest, and hear his curt snap-back with an answer to any question we had. He was a quick and instinctive thinker who said what he thought without filtering words in case someone wanted to take offense. What a relief it was to call him for an honest opinion!

I miss his integrity. He warned me most often to be myself - to be the best self that God designed. He told me to ignore gossip and small thinking. He sure loved his family and his grandkids - and considered each of us his priceless treasures.

He said aloud what we both felt about management and gave me solid counsel: "Get the best executive admin and leave the details to that person. If you can't trust him/her with your money, your people, and your life, they're not the right fit. And when you find that person, don't let them go, no matter what others say."

He did that. He was a high trust person and a good boss who didn't hold a grudge if you failed. "Try again!" he'd say. "Failure is a lesson that cost only a blow to your pride or a chunk of your budget." He taught us that those could be recovered but you had learned something new and valuable. However, when someone betrayed or harmed others, that person was gone.

He let Mom run the home. At work, Patti ran the office. He handed her the administration, budgets, and office planning. So he worked at work and was home at home. I'd happily do the same.

In contrast, W grew up with a different level of trust. He manages our money and keeps personal things private. Because he wants things done the way he likes them, he prefers to do them himself. There's no way he'd hand the bulk of life's details to an executive assistant. However, he doesn't want fill his plate with most of the 101 details that an assistant tracks. So that stuff lands in my lap.

I'm stuck as my own executive admin, scribbling notes and sending them into the capable hands of others. "Did you get the social media up?" "Please create an announcement for the upcoming event." "Pls schedule the meeting. Check how many can attend at X:00." "Do we have resources for the volunteers?" "Can you check who is looking after ...?" It feels endless and exhausting to someone like me, who is wired to the big-picture.

I've seen leadership done and done well. And I've read that the best executive assistants love to pick up everything I'd happily drop. They run the world from behind the scenes. It's my fondest daydream to be able to sit down once a month with an executive admin to look over the quarter's budget and current calendar. I'd task that person to oversee social media, money, schedules, volunteers, resources, agendas, and more. 

I rarely have energy to cast vision or start new things. I don't mind occasional questions but wouldn't it be amazing to check off a day's meeting and tasks ... and still have capacity to think creatively about the year (or 5 years) ahead, setting something in motion (like Dad did) and letting others run it?! Dream on.

Today, my Dad would probably challenge me: "What's the matter with you? Why are you wasting your time on that?" haha I still hear his voice and feel his love.

I'd reply: "I know, Pop. I miss you, even when I can't follow your advice."

It's what it is. W and I have a satisfying life. I'm writing this on a tropical Porch overlooking a beautiful green backyard. That provides an antidote to the internal chaos of living strangely different from the way I'm wired.

Oops, hang on. Before I head out the door to that pre-meeting, let me write a quick note: "Are we covered for tomorrow's ...?"

Sunday

That morning pre-meeting pays off today. The team works together and knows their stuff. In the hall, Daniel has hung pictures of the IES family beside a tinsel tree for everyone to enjoy.

My new shoes had fit well in the stop. However, after wearing them for an hour I have blisters on my second toes. They also pinch the little toe on my left foot so hard that the pain is almost unbearable. I lift my foot every 10 minutes to release pressure. When I do, my whole foot shakes with relief.

It's a weird feeling to have no control of a foot flapping from the knee down. Hopefully no one notices. I remove my shoes during a meeting after the Gathering. And slide in with a different position afterward. Ah better - and even more relief when I take them off at home.

Our daughter shows me her solution for the ugly plastic pot under her Christmas tree: washi tape. Clever. Looks expensive and matches her coffee table!

In our yard, a clipping has rooted and is blooming in bright Christmas colors.

We walk by a mother hen with two chicks tucked under her wing. Another three peck at garbage nearby. We breathe shallowly and hiss at the chickens so they run out of the dogs' (harm's) way. For our one-mile loop, we endure a short stroll past the garbage dump before passing Bandung's 5-star hotel. (W reads their ad: "$300 instead of $600/night.") That's typical of the side-by-side contrasts in our city.

The Porch is quiet. The garden drips with rain - it's a miserable afternoon but we're under cover and the wind chimes are singing.

We eat lunch at a new place but nothing on the menu hits the spot. The ramen is warm not hot, without many noodles. My sandwich is grilled in olive oil = too much grease for me. But W like his sandwich and doesn't mind lots of oil.

The flowers from the hall are amazing as usual. We put them on the coffee table. Each week, Titik captures the beauty of the season in her arrangements.

"Flowers are hard to find," she admits. "Not much is available in flower shops right now." She supplements with plants from her own yard. What a gift of celebration she offers IES Bandung and us, week by week. When we visit hospital or others, we share the arrangement.

Monday

My friends and mentors teach me so much. Monday morning starts with calls. Work is work but the backdrop is festive when you work from home.

W and I head into town for most of the day, getting groceries for Christmas baking and events. He picks up the unrepaired weed-wacker (too broken to fix; he'll see if someone wants it for parts.) 

You know what a culture eats by what is stocked by their grocers. One entire aisle is 1-2 liter bags of cooking oils.

Another aisle is lined with ramen and other instant noodles.

When we get home, DrW has dropped off tea and cookies - she knows my favorite tea, which is only available in Malaysia.

At night, the lights glow.

Tuesday

This is my usual view on the neighborhood walk. W holds three dogs on one leash.

By the time the helpers come at 8 AM, I've relaxed by setting the table for afternoon tea.

The clotted cream is whipped, the marmalade is plated, and the butter and sugar are ready.

Today is baking day! The ingredients wait at room temperature on the counter as we pull out Christine's KitchenAid. W plugs it into the voltage adapter. There's no time to fool around with a hand mixer. I hear the familiar whir of the beater - we had a KAid in Seattle and it makes fast work of serious baking.

Today and Thursday, IbuA is making and refrigerating dough for +2000 cookies. IbuS and I will bake until all cookies are done. Angie has designed labels for the giveaway bags. Next week, Alice and crew will package the cookies for several events, making it a group project. The logistics are in place; we're praying for smooth sailing!

We confirm which guests are staying with us over Christmas and write Sunday's talk for the 4th Sunday of Advent.

The topic is PEACE. God's peace is much needed. And much appreciated. We hang the Advent ornament of the day on the tree. Each clear glass globe contains a verse and a Christmas item.

We wish you a wonderful season. There's one week left until Christmas. Please ensure you are not celebrating the birth of Jesus alone. Go to a church, meet with a group of friends, or gather with family. Make this the most special time of the year, whether it's been a year of joy or sorrow - because God is for you and his love is with you.

Read more:

*Love truth and peace. Zechariah 8:19

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Moravian Prayer: Understanding Savior, you are able to comprehend the message of our hearts, even when words fail us. We rejoice to be seen, heard, and known by you. Amen.