The things we hear

How has the past startled you? Have you looked at photos and wondered who you were? Heard a story from a different point of view that changed how you look at things?

I'm 18 years old. I've just spent three hours listening to someone I consider a friend. And Nora has told me how awful my family is: too snobby, too smart, too willful, we think we're too good for others, and our worst crime of all? We're willing to think and do things other families don't try. She says she likes the safety of limits, and she hates that we don't recognize those constraints or stay within them.

I tell Nora she's probably misunderstood us, wave goodbye, and go inside the house. Of course, I write it all down so I can think about it.

Nearly 40 years later, I find that journal entry. (Be careful what you tell a writer.) It's several pages long because the conversation went into great detail about our family's inadequacies. I winced - and shrugged - when I wrote it. And I winced - and shrugged - again when I read it yesterday. It made me sad in some parts and made me laugh aloud in others. The things our family loves - learning, tackling new things, and finding creative solutions - were the very things she resented and disliked in us.

People rarely say what they think to our faces, so then and now I pondered Nora's frank appraisal. I summed up the conversation as "pure poison without a point." But I internalized the fears I heard, Nora's worries of not being enough, of not trusting, and of wishing she was someone else.

I pulled back from her, of course. But I also saw others differently. Nora had named those in our circle in years of interactions that I didn't remember. I'd hurt them and they'd talked behind my back.

Who's talking about you behind your back? Does it influence your behavior? Do you care? There's often a grain of truth in we overhear about ourselves, no matter how strangely the "facts" are presented.

An interesting observation

Nora had a chip on her shoulder and deep insecurities. If others had confronted me, would I have been more serious about my surroundings and been kinder and more careful in my friendships? Probably. That might have meant being less open. Taking fewer risks in exploring what was possible. Not going as many places with as many people. I doubt that was possible, judging from who we all were back then.

As I read the rest of the diary, my shortcomings and imperfections are obvious. Compared to most of my peers, I was a wild-thinking teenager. Modern parents might put me on ADD meds. On the plus side, I was endlessly curious. I easily acquired languages and information. I didn't mind swimming a long way or jumping off cliffs into unknown waters (literally and figuratively. Remember Harrison Lake, you guys?) I might scream while my heart pounded in fear, but I'd try anything once if it wasn't immoral or illegal. I never intended harm even when I felt the least patient with others. (Going to college probably saved my mind.)

Do pacesetters and visionaries take this to heart?

I'm wondering about how we'd redo our lives. Are there things you would change? Do you have regrets about things you've done (or not done?)

Living in the past doesn't serve us. I long ago forgave Nora her attack. I hope she found security and recognizes her value as a person - just as she is, beyond comparison to others. We are who we are. If God is pleased with how he made us, shouldn't we be happy with ourselves?

In heading toward a new culture, reading my diary is helpful. We don't know the signals for caution or avoiding faux pas in Indonesia. We can only trust God, do our best, and ask friends to let us know when we miss the mark or overstep the boundaries.

"Lord have mercy," she says sincerely, shaking her head and closing the journal.

Read more:

*Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of heaven, for his steadfast love endures forever. Psalm 136:1, 26 ESV

*Put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your record? Psalm 56:8

*Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh. Luke 6:21 ESV 

*But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, and then the heavens will pass away with a roar, and the heavenly bodies will be burned up and dissolved, and the earth and the works that are done on it will be exposed. Since all these things are thus to be dissolved, what sort of people ought you to be in lives of holiness and godliness. 2 Peter 3:10-11 ESV

Moravian Prayer: Heavenly Creator, many lives are filled with grief and sadness. Through your generous grace and lifting spirit, help dry the tears of those who weep and bring comfort and laughter to those who despair. Amen.

CS Lewis in Mere Christianity: And now we begin to see what it is that the New Testament is always talking about. It talks about Christians ‘being born again’; it talks about them ‘putting on Christ’; about Christ ‘being formed in us’; about our coming to ‘have the mind of Christ’.

Put right out of your head the idea that these are only fancy ways of saying that Christians are to read what Christ said and try to carry it out—as a man may read what Plato or Marx said and try to carry it out. They mean something much more than that. They mean that a real Person, Christ, here and now, in that very room where you are saying your prayers, is doing things to you. It is not a question of a good man who died two thousand years ago. It is a living Man, still as much a man as you, and still as much God as He was when He created the world, really coming and interfering with your very self; killing the old natural self in you and replacing it with the kind of self He has. At first, only for moments. Then for longer periods. Finally, if all goes well, turning you permanently into a different sort of thing; into a new little Christ, a being which, in its own small way, has the same kind of life as God; which shares in His power, joy, knowledge and eternity.

Breath returns

There have been few blogs the last few weeks. I misplaced my journal, which captures three pages of internal process each day. For that amount of time, writing elsewhere (and even leaving the house) has been an effort.

When you are a writer, words on paper or screen are compulsory not optional. Your fingers miss the grip on a pen or the tap on the keyboard: life plateaus in shallow breaths. You're afraid to think too deeply without somewhere to go if you hit a wall. The best ladders up and over the day or out of the night are words on paper.

I found my journal tonight. Mind you, I was desperate enough to grab the three empties from a shelf upstairs and bring them down to the apartment with me. If I hadn't discovered my heart's written hiding place, I would have had to start on a blank book. I was that anxious to write.

With ballpoint pen in hand, I spread the lined pages. Waiting, I begin.

Breathe. 

In. Out. 

Relief.

Internal quiet 

and singing.

Words on pages.

Grip that pen.

Joyful spilling

of a hurting heart.

What helps you breathe?

Read more:

*God does great things beyond understanding, and marvelous things without number. Job 9:10 NEV

*Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law. Psalm 119:18 NEV

*Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all consolation. 2 Corinthians 1:3 NEV

Moravian Prayer: Great Architect, often in our busy lives we tend to forget the marvels of life around us that you have provided. There is no better time than now for us to stop and appreciate all you have done for us. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Amen.

CS Lewis in Mere Christianity: Prudence means practical common sense, taking the trouble to think out what you are doing and what is likely to come of it. Nowadays most people hardly think of Prudence as one of the ‘virtues’. In fact, because Christ said we could only get into His world by being like children, many Christians have the idea that, provided you are ‘good’, it does not matter being a fool.

But that is a misunderstanding. In the first place, most children show plenty of ‘prudence’ about doing the things they are really interested in, and think them out quite sensibly. In the second place, as St Paul points out, Christ never meant that we were to remain children in intelligence: on the contrary. He told us to be not only ‘as harmless as doves’, but also ‘as wise as serpents’.

He wants a child’s heart, but a grown-up’s head. He wants us to be simple, single-minded, affectionate, and teachable, as good children are; but He also wants every bit of intelligence we have to be alert at its job, and in first-class fighting trim. The fact that you are giving money to a charity does not mean that you need not try to find out whether that charity is a fraud or not. The fact that what you are thinking about is God Himself (for example, when you are praying) does not mean that you can be content with the same babyish ideas which you had when you were a five-year-old. It is, of course, quite true that God will not love you any the less, or have less use for you, if you happen to have been born with a very second-rate brain. He has room for people with very little sense, but He wants every one to use what sense they have.

30-Day Spiritual Bootcamp

Rebekah Metteer calls her book a "devotional and workshop," but Faith, Friendship, and Focus is a spiritual bootcamp for women. Here's the idea: get a few friends together, set aside a month of days, and plunge into these life-changing, soul-expanding spiritual disciplines.

My physical bootcamp trainer, Mark Haner, is a really nice guy. He never shouts, always encourages, and pulls you forward. But by the end of the half hour, your body has had a workout. I highly recommend his 3X/week gym session OR his online 5X/week option.

Rebekah is similarly a great encourager. Her book takes you and your girlfriends along a path of stretching your spiritual muscles, understanding God's plan for your lives, and ordering your priorities. She presents four daily prayer chores (physical reminders of our spiritual reality) and a daily focus word, prayer walks, a fast, and other encouragements. There's room to journal your progress, too. And it ends with a celebration with your friends!

I highly recommend this book to women who value:

• new life in their spiritual journey
• spiritual community as a part of friendship
• new ways to learn about God
• flexible structure that fits into your day

Have fun! It may hurt a bit. You'll learn things about God and you that surprise you. And you'll finish the month with a new awareness of your walk with Christ.

Let us know how it goes!

Rebekah's blog is "Take the Leap." Click here.

Lent Day 17: Scanning the past

2-3" binders (on a 6' bookshelf)
beside my dissertation files (7' high)

Technology. Sigh. Need it. Hate it.

"You're lucky," I said to W this morning. "You know that the program is not working. Most of us would just assume we're tech-idiots and tear our hair out in frustration."

The job of the day was a fresh start. I need to get rid of dozens (50+) binders of academic notes, writing projects and studies, and "maybe-some-day" papers. I planned to scan them onto the computer with the "super-easy, best-ever" scanner W picked up at the CES convention in Vegas this year.

The scan program won't install on my computer. The papers I pulled out? The binders I started moving from bookshelf to office? Stalled. W's sending feedback to the company about the program glitch, asking how to fix it. He's hopeful that he can install it tonight.

Freecycle stack: empty binders, blank notebook,
and unused ruled paper

In one pile, I've collected the unused binders, the ruled paper still in its wrapper, and a few 3-subject notebooks, handy for making notes while sitting in the tub.

This month I present one final conference session on my dissertation topic. The paper is written, published, and just needs to be read aloud. It's time to shed those hard copies of research. (Before I throw them in the garbage, I'll ask if the gal writing a paper on early Pentecostal women wants them.)

Alice Wood journal from the 1910s

I find several hundred photocopies of a missionary journal. Ah, yesssss. I promised a denominational archivist that I'd transcribe Alice Wood's diary if she sent me copies. Catherine duly sent the pages so I'm obligated. It will be nice to finish reading Alice's chicken-scratch and send that off. Alice was prolific. I'm looking at two full-time weeks of work. But when I'm done, I can trash the papers I filed two years ago.

Any of you in a similar season of shedding old skin? Is God calling you to new things?

As winter draws to a close, it's time to quit hibernating, to stretch out muscles cramped by the past so we can move into the future. How can you begin to stir and awaken for the work ahead?

Read more:
*Rise up, come to our help. Redeem us for the sake of your steadfast love. Psalm 44:26 NLT

*Seek the Lord while he may be found, call upon him while he is near. Isaiah 55:6 NLT

*I said, “Here I am, here I am,” to a nation that did not call on my name. Isaiah 65:1 NLT

*Now when the centurion, who stood facing him, saw that in this way he breathed his last, he said, “Truly this man was God’s Son!” Mark 15:39 NLT

*Christ says, “For, in fact, the kingdom of God is among you.” Luke 17:21 NLT

*[Jesus said:] There is more than enough room in my Father's home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. John 14:2–3 NLT

Moravian Prayer: Most Holy One, thank you for Jesus, your son, who showed us how to live, how to love, and how to be one with you. Thank you for your unconditional, everlasting love.

May our hearts be open today so we might recognize you in our midst. May we see you and affirm your presence with assurance and strength. Amen.Amen.

Making resolutions?

T'is the last day of 2012. Time to look back through the journal to see what progress or what weaknesses lie exposed. Do you review the year as I do?

I started the year exhausted, working 10-14 hours, 6 days a week, on my dissertation. Once that was done, I partied. I've never celebrated as joyfully as this year - the dragon was slain, the un-doable done.

Then I rested. My journal shows a lack of momentum for months afterwards. I was so mentally drained that it was hard to focus. So I did very little. I puttered. I played piano. I painted a bit. I read a lot of nonsense and light fiction. I watched Korean dramas and followed Spy and Arrow on Hulu+

In November things started to heat up again. "Take up your bed and walk already!" was the message I heard during devotions. I started Monvee (from "mon vie," a spiritual discipleship program hosted by our church) and began to read enriching books. Someone added me as their accountability partner and a friend coached me through some sessions of a "Get Unstuck Bootcamp." (Click here for the website.) I added some exercise classes.

And suddenly I was in motion again. Thank God!

My 2013 resolutions are intended to foster spiritual life, better physical health, strong relationships, and mental vigor. Real Simple says we need 4 tips to keep our resolutions (click here for the full article):
1. be specific
2. make goals public
3. substitute "good" behaviors for "bad"
4. keep track

I don't have any earthshaking goals. It seems that keeping the ones I always choose is hard work enough:

• read more scripture
• pray and wait in expectation
• be more grateful
• read and write
• do art
• be hospitable
• and work hard at whatever is at hand

What is your most desired resolution for 2013? Why?

Read more:
*Some wandered in the wilderness lost and homeless. Hungry and thirsty, they nearly died. 'LORD, help!' they cried in their trouble, and he rescued them from their distress. He led them straight to safety, to a city where they could live.

Let them praise the LORD for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them. For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things" Psalm 107:4–9

*My eyes fail with watching for your promise; I ask, “When will you comfort me?” Psalm 119:82

*Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. Proverbs 3:27

*Be doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves. James 1:22  

*May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and through grace gave us eternal comfort and good hope, comfort your hearts. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

Moravian Prayer: God of endings and beginnings, may we bring glory tonight as we close this year and begin another. May our faith in your promise remain strong as you breathe your spirit upon us.

Gracious and giving Savior, forgive us when we withhold our power. Forgive us when we act on the behalf of a brother or a sister. Let us be fed by worship this day and go out to be your hands and feet. Amen.

Review... and a resolution

The end of another calendar year, and time to kick in my annual tradition of review. Today I'll look at the past year for significant changes. For God's work and help.

I wrote lots of entries in my 2011 morning pages. After I finished one journal, I'm partway through another. The snapshots of grace-in-process keep accumulating in blogs. (Yes, a writer writes. Always words, spilling onto page upon pages.)

This morning, I listened to a half hour of scripture, read aloud from Genesis--Jacob through Joseph's brothers selling him into slavery and then devising an elaborate cover story for their dad, and Daniel--Nebuchadnezzar dreaming, falling into insanity, and returning to glorify God. What stories! (What a mess and what beautiful redemption, time and again.)

We may view people in scripture with pity because of their lack of Western technology and manners. But they were like current people: self-aggrandizing, under pressure from family and work, committing sins of deception and unfaithfulness. What messes we create for ourselves, doing wrong and trying to wiggle out of the consequences. How we hurt ourselves and others in the process! Yet, the biblical characters turn again and again to ask deep questions, "Does any of this mean anything? Does life have value and purpose?"

Jesus was funny, a good teacher who drew crowds of people interested in being near him. He healed, blessed, and encouraged, even though he knew the suffering that he would endure, the weight of our killings, the lying, the stealing, the treachery, the tears caused by our adultery and harlotry, the poverty caused by refusing food and help in the name of gods and culture, and our intentions for revenge and harming others. The only people he ridiculed and exposed were those who presented masks of holiness and veneers of rule-keeping. Oh, Jesus ripped into them big-time!

Jesus knew human nature and the awful task ahead. But he kept his perspective on what life is like, sheltering in the presence and unguarded towards God. His life shows abandonment to abundance. Joyous beauty. Peacefulness. Companionship. Exuberant good works. Humour. Cheerful focus on God's goodness.

As I review the year, I want to know, "How have I made a difference to God and those around me? Can God accomplish the purposes He created me for? Can God speak clearly about what pleases him and other things that I need to lay aside to enjoy what he has planned?" Or do I really want to hear what God says?

Am I courageous enough to release my willfulness and expectations completely, come what may? My heart pounds to think of how awful 2012 may be, what challenges, illness, distress, and deaths. What loss of comforts and pleasures may lie ahead?

Wait! Wait! That's not at all how Jesus showed us how to live. He recklessly embarked on a life OPEN to God. "I've come to do the will of my Father," he said. His whole life could have been clouded by humanity's tendency toward darkness and scarcity. Instead, he also opened himself to all the pleasures of being human. He laughed, played with children, traveled in a company of intimate friends and family, and lived life to the full. "I've come to give you life, and that more abundantly," he told his followers.

That's just what we all want! Our heads admit that God's nature is marvelous beyond comprehension. That he loves us and provides all our needs. He shares his infinite resources and blessings with those willing to obey him.

Our hearts feel the shame of how short we fall, how poorly our efforts measure up, and how often we wander away. So we shun God's forgiveness to live in hovels of our own making rather than palaces of grace lit by the Creator's nearness.

What would we ask God on this last day of 2011, if he spoke to us face to face? Are we brave enough to say, "Here we come, all yours! Where you lead, we'll follow, whatever it costs," or "Here we are, send us!" Maybe our lives, amid sorrows and horrors aplenty, would be set on fire with beauty and joy and pleasures beyond human comprehension.

Today, I'm in, pounding heart and all! How about you?

Read more:
Psalm 150 Malachi 1-4; Revelation 21:22-22:21

*Lord, they came to you in their distress. Isaiah 26:16 (NIV)

*Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all consolation, who consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Moravian Prayer: On this eve of a new time and new day, we pray, giving Father, that you guide us as in ages past. Feed us with your word, calm our fears, and simply hold us close. Following your example, may we never cease to kneel at the feet of our friends. Amen.